New Ways to Tear the Country Apart
Inventing more interesting divisions than Democrat vs. Republican
If there’s one thing at which the United States excels, it’s being divided. There was once a whole war about it! These days, we see it most obviously along left-right political lines, which leaves many Americans wishing that Democrats and Republicans could collaborate as well as Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni.
Personally, I think we’ve outgrown the two-party system, much like I’ve outgrown all of my pants. Quit tryin’ to fit into the old pants, America! Just buy some new pants… er, politics! This red-versus-blue division of America has led to nothing but ruin—but worst of all, it’s just so predictable. If we’re going to be split down the middle, let’s at least pick a more interesting way to do it.
After extensive meetings with Chortle’s political consultants, I’ve come up with a few new and intriguing dividing lines for America.
Back Sleepers vs. Side Sleepers
Stomach sleepers don’t get to vote.
People who say “I’m good” vs. “I’m well”
I know one of these is technically correct—and I hate the other side for it!
People who have that weird Cilantro gene vs. Normals
Could be a fun new way to discriminate!
Disney Adults vs. Everyone Else
Election after election, Disney Adults will constantly be undone by diverting too many campaign funds to oversized lollipops and embroidered Mickey hats.
Choice of Water Bottle
I’ve seen people get more up in arms about the container that holds their water than literal genocide. It’s primal: we now carry our life-sustaining watering holes with us wherever we go. Personally, I would vote along Stanley lines—mainly because Yetis are sheeple and Nalgenes are a bunch of snowflakes. Hey Nalgene, if you want more representation on Capitol Hill, why don’t you start making a water bottle shaped for mouths? Side note: Doesn’t Nalgene sound like the name of the algae that inevitably grows inside every Nalgene after being left in a hot car for upwards of four seconds?
Astrological Sign
We need some cosmic change, so I say we hard-pivot from a two-party system to a twelve-party system. The law of the land is vibes. The cabinet shall include one of each sign. Leo President (obvs). Virgo VP (grounded yet firm). Aries Secretary of Defense (no emotions, only war). Except no Geminis allowed. (Sorry, y’all. Fight amongst yourself.)
MORE FROM RACHEL
1930s Trends That Deserve a Comeback More Than Literal Nazis
I get it, retro is hip. And the 1930s were a glamorous time when jazz was hot, and everyone wore cool hats. But some things should best be left in the past, so let me be the one to say it: the current Nazi comeback is “serving cunt” in an entirely “sus” way. (Sorry, the anti-semitism stings less when I couch it in Gen Z slang.)
Weddings Are Dumb
Look, I’m all for love. And if you want to get married, get married. But I’m going to come right out and say it: I think there are better ways to celebrate your love than by financially ruining yourself so you can dance to Bruno Mars with every boomer your extended family has on offer.
The law of the land is vibes 😂
It does seem like Americans are more polarized than ever, but I think if we sat down and listened to one another-- really listened to what the other side was saying-- we could solve our problems and live in a more just and empathetic society.
Just not the stomach sleepers. F*** those guys.