I've Been Traded to the Reds
The trade deadline comes for us all
CINCINNATI, OH — With the Major League Baseball trade deadline rapidly approaching, Chortle Industries, LLC announced today that it has traded writer/editor Greg Nix to the Cincinnati Reds in exchange for left-handed relief pitcher Caleb Ferguson.
Nix was productive during his tenure with Chortle, writing over 300 comedy pieces for the Substack-bestselling newsletter. However, his .179 batting average on jokes left some fans feeling an upgrade was due. As an athletically limited 39-year-old, it’s unclear what role he’ll play with a rebuilding Cincinnati baseball team.
“I’m surprised by this decision,” said Nix in his initial public comments following the trade announcement. “The advanced numbers paint me as a significantly above-replacement humorist. But I guess it’s like the old saying goes: ‘you can never have too much pitching.’”
The trade is something of a homecoming for Ferguson. The veteran reliever spent five seasons with the Los Angeles Dodgers between 2018 and 2023 before joining the Reds as a free agent this offseason. Now, he takes his flamethrowing left arm to Chortle’s 150-square-foot garage headquarters in East Los Angeles.
What’s still unclear is how the deal between MLB’s oldest franchise and a small “funny email” operation came together. Insiders say that Cincinnati may have been motivated to dump Ferguson’s $3 million salary, and speculated that a swap of these two talents probably involves money laundering.
“Honestly, as the founder and sole operator of this newsletter, I thought I had earned the readers’ trust,” Nix said. “In fact, I’m confused about how this is even functionally possible.”
The Reds will now turn their attention to moving their other trade-eligible pieces, with rumors already connecting 3B Eugenio Suarez to Heather Cox Richardson’s popular Letters From An American.
Meanwhile, Nix says he’s looking forward to turning a satirical eye on his new home. “Cincinnati has weird chili, right? That’s pretty much the main thing I know about it. So expect a lot of posts about chili over the next few months.”
Caleb Ferguson could not be reached for comment.
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