I've Been Sent from the Future to Stop the Invention of Podcasts

Help me save the world from deep dives.

You there! I need your help, citizen. I’m from the distant future, and I’ve been sent here to the year 2005 with an urgent mission: stop the invention of podcasts.

I know they seem like harmless fun. A podcast is basically just a radio show, right? But on your computer? That’s where it starts, but you can’t possibly imagine where this dangerous technology leads.

Time is running out! Even now, some guy named Adam is in a garage somewhere, chuckling through an overly long intro segment. Please, point me in the direction of Apple headquarters so I can use my futuristic laser sword to cut this snake off at its head!

You see, in the future that I come from, everyone has a podcast. That means everyone thinks their opinion matters, whether they’re a famous football player or simply married to a famous football player. In this nightmare hellscape, the sixth lead on your ancient sitcom NewsRadio has become the most important man on Earth.

The collapse of Western society starts benignly: comedians getting deep with each other, celebrities revealing another side of themselves, Ira Glass somehow becoming a media star. But then it progresses to amateur influencers “just asking questions” about injecting yourself with horse medicine. Before you know it, podcasters are running the FBI, and the CDC is declaring measles “fun for the whole family.”

That’s not even the worst of it! In my era, true crime podcasts have become so popular that we literally ran out of old murders to discuss, which led to a 3000% increase in serial killings. Like you, we have two political parties—except they call themselves the CryptoBros and the SelfCareicans. And nobody can have a conversation shorter than three hours because podcasters have trained us to believe that every single topic deserves a deep dive with multiple segments.

Do you think I’m exaggerating? In the future, we have no renewable energy because the entire economy runs on meal kits and internet mattresses. We only had enough juice for one trip back in time, and it was either “stop podcasts” or “kill baby Hitler.” We decided this was way more important.

I will admit there are things about the podcast-driven future I will miss. For example, without Bill Simmons’s podcasting empire, I will surely have to search the dark web for my beloved “pro hoops talk.” But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make if it means a world with 98% fewer dumbass opinions in it (specifically from Bill Simmons).

So you’ll help me? Excellent! I knew the rational minds of this era would understand the urgency of our fight. What’s your name, good citizen?

Marc Maron? I’m sorry, friend—but you must be our first casualty.

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