I Rigged California's Election

You caught me red-handed, Mr. President.

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

During [an] interview, which aired on Sunday’s Meet The Press, the president claimed both the current primary elections in California and the 2020 presidential election were “rigged”. When pressed for evidence on California’s vote by Welker, he said: “All I have to do is look, and I listen.” — BBC

Hello, Mister President. It looks like you’ve got me. That’s right, you’ve finally caught the man who rigged California’s primary election.

Please, sit. The cuffs aren't necessary. Frankly, I'm relieved. When you've pulled off the greatest electoral crime in human history, you almost want someone to figure it out.

Let me tell you how I did it.

The elegance of my plan was its complexity. California has 58 counties, 22 million registered voters, and a mail-in ballot system that's been in place since the 1970s. So this electoral subterfuge required cooperation from thousands of county clerks, ballot-processing technicians, and postal employees — each of them silently committing multiple federal felonies, all so that Spencer Pratt would finish in third place, rather than second place.

Brilliant, isn’t it? We couldn’t leave anything to chance. Not with Pratt. A man of his stature — 42, unemployed, formerly on television — is too powerful to allow into elected office.

I knew immediately we had to prolong the ballot-counting process. In the heist business, we call this technique “The Trickle.” Rather than simply declaring a winner on election night, we decided to release the voting results gradually and categorize them in exhaustive detail — thereby rigging the results.

I know what you're thinking: “Why would a criminal organization capable of stealing an election need to take so long?” The answer, obviously, is drama. Anyone can steal an election on election night. A true mastermind dazzles with his crimes.

Here’s the pièce de résistance: Six weeks before the election, I had Governor Gavin Newsom send a letter to all 58 county election officials in California, warning them about the slow count. A lesser criminal would have kept his plans quiet. But I put mine on the governor’s letterhead and mailed it to every county in the state.

Hiding in plain sight. The oldest trick in the book.

It was the perfect crime. I’ve pickpocketed heads of state. I’ve seduced a Swiss banker for access to a vault. I once bribed a Singaporean customs official with a single, perfect orchid. None of it compares to the rush of rigging a municipal primary election.

I should have known that you’d see right through my scheme, though. You have a gift, Mister President. A kind of extrasensory relationship with electoral fraud. You looked at the votes while only 70% of them had been counted… and you simply knew.

But here’s the thing about men like us. We know the game never ends. You catch me, and I'm already gone. In fact, I’m not even in the room with you right now...

I'm in the mail. I was postmarked six days ago, and won’t be processed for another two weeks. “The Trickle.” Works every time.

See you in November, Mister President.

---

Big thanks!

Thanks to Andrew R., Bruce D., and Dan O. for upgrading to paid subscriptions! I’ve always called you guys “the Big Three,” and now I finally know why. I appreciate your support!

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE