Honest Zillow Listings
This former rental has barely been cared for!
New writer alert! Sarah Gardner is a writer, cheese enthusiast, and professional embarrassed person. Her writing has appeared in SlackJaw, Belladonna comedy, and in her notes app she’s begging you to immediately delete upon her death.
This traditional-style home comes with the double hitter of a crumbling foundation and a basement four times as humid as a rainforest. Six bedrooms, the largest of which can fit a full-sized bed if you’re a dreamer who has never seen a bed.
Enjoy your morning coffee or evening nightcap on the wraparound porch updated as recently as 1952. Situated on an acre of land that has been used as a community garbage pit for the last two decades, this yard space is full of potential for raised vegetable beds, a twee swing set, or tetanus!
This former rental has barely been cared for! The charming location on the busiest street next to the local University will make you wish even fewer people were able to afford higher education, despite your otherwise progressive mindset!
The ample rec room includes a snake infestation and a basement smell that will make you wonder what exactly died down there (it was thirty rats). Enjoy hosting guests on the back deck, which has a generous 20-degree tilt to the southwest for exciting views of the sunset.
A charming bungalow that boasts three bedrooms and one windowless “bonus” room that the current owners have lovingly dubbed the “murder room.” We can’t wait for you to discover why!
The roof is uninsurable, the wooded lot is sprinkled with diseased trees, and there are eight competitive offers that waive inspections because it’s located on a dead-end next to the woods that the current owners call the “murder woods.” Don’t miss out!
A classic brownstone walk-up, this house’s two fireplaces will steal your heart, as it did with a family of squirrels who have lived in the chimney since the Clinton administration. All original hardwood that would be stunning if it weren’t rotting out, this home features a spacious foyer, which is confusingly larger than the living room.
Original windows from 1921 keep the air flow fresh in this home year-round.
A perfect Tudor-style home that was decimated by the Millennial house-flipping urge to make everything gray. Nary a remnant of the classical style that previously graced this home remains—the former owners of this once-unique 3 bed, 1.5 bath coated it with ashen laminate plank flooring, light smokey accent walls, pale charcoal countertops, and the occasional matte black accent.
Who needs restoration when you can transform a house into a washed-out tonal pit of your nightmares?
This townhouse is perfect for the busy professional who never wants to be in their home. Welcome to your new oasis, where an unknown neighbor’s child begins howling like a wolf at 4:30AM and never stops.
Enjoy your own private balcony that can be seen by every other unit in the building, and is spacious enough for half of a barstool. The kitchen may be airy, but commit to a life of take-out—because cooking will set off the fire alarm for the whole building, making you everyone’s least favorite neighbor, yes even including wolf-child.
Street parking!
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Sarah Gardner and Sarah Gardner — formerly conjoined?