Happy Final Mother's Day
Sorry that we, the children of Earth, haven't been listening to you
Dear mothers,
We, the children of Earth, love you. Everyone has a biological mother, and most of us had someone motherly teach us life's essential lessons. That's why we're joining together to wish you a happy—and quite possibly final—Mother's Day!
You see, the odds of global society continuing smoothly for twelve more months are growing increasingly slim. So we want to make extra sure that you know how much we love you. It's kind of like how we text you from the airport runway, just in case our plane goes down.
You taught us kindness, generosity, and basic human decency—lessons we've spectacularly failed to implement. We admit that we should have heeded your advice before society reached this precarious tipping point. To make up for it, we promise to call more often (for as long as phone service stays intact, anyway). We’ll talk every day, even if it's just to say, “Hey Mom, do you still have grandpa’s old hunting rifle? Y’know, just in case?”
The world would be a better place if we had all listened to you a little more closely. Remember when you told us to share our toys? Turns out we probably should have applied that concept to the “grown-up” economy. You always said not to speak badly of others, but we invented the internet anyway. Then again, we were never great at cleaning up after ourselves at home, so maybe it’s no surprise that we leave chlorofluorocarbons everywhere, too.
But we're not total failures! Sure, the Doomsday Clock ticks ever closer to midnight—but we invented the Doomsday Clock in the first place! That proves that we’re not entirely irresponsible, right?
So Happy Mother's Day, perhaps for the final time. We've ignored your wisdom for most of our lives, and now we're facing the consequences. At least you can enjoy the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so,” because that’s the real gift from us this year: the knowledge that you were right all along.
Here’s to Mom! We love you, we’re sorry, and we’ll see you in Hell (assuming that we’re not already there).
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