God Issues Official Statement on NFL Involvement

Satan Actually Runs The League, FYI

Editor’s note: Rob Block is an award-winning screenwriter, standup comedian, sketch addict, and humorist who has been published in Points In Case, The Weekly Humorist, and elsewhere.

---

After several millennia of relative silence, I, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, must issue a clarification to my doctrine—specifically in regards to my involvement with professional football. I typically maintain a hands-off approach with my creations. However, after two more quarterbacks credited Me for their playoff victories, I can no longer remain silent.

The truth is I couldn’t care less about football. Sure, I created the raw elements for the game: the grass, the pigs for the ball, the fossil fuels for the helmets and pads. But once they flip the coin and blow the whistle, I turn the game over to Satan.

That’s right, Lucifer is a massive football fan. He actually took full control of the sport as part of the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. The on-field violence is naturally in his wheelhouse, of course, but what really intrigued him was the potential for off-field mayhem. He’s been a mentor to countless assault-and-batterers at this point. He gave Michael Vick his first puppy. He’s even part-owner of the Jets!

You should have seen his excitement during O.J. Simpson's 1973 season. After one particularly impressive touchdown run, he called Me and said, "This guy really has potential! Just wait twenty years!"

Yup, the Devil loves his football. And betting on it was his idea. You should have heard his shriek of delight when the Supreme Court legalized sports gambling. The tortured soul of Josef Stalin nearly choked on his borscht.

Why am I telling you this? The last straw came when Jayden Daniels gave Me a conspicuous shout-out after his Washington Commanders beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It really irked Me, because Baker Mayfield is one of my most devoted weirdos! The real reason D.C. won is because Beelzebub has rediscovered a fondness for the capital, since several of his associates recently relocated there.

So, to all the players who invoke My name—thanks, but you’ve got the wrong Guy. In fact, a quick word to Tim Tebow specifically: Your career pass completion rate was under 50%, dude. You think I want credit for that? Turning water into wine was a miracle; making you a good pro quarterback was simply impossible.

Bottom line: I don’t control the NFL. Games are won or lost based on the players’ hard work, the coaches’ initiative, and the callous whims of the Prince of Darkness.

On the other hand, European football is a different story. I totally micromanage that shit.

---

Donate to a good cause!

Friend of Chortle

Jesse Marshall

and his family are racing to end Duchenne muscular dystrophy, a rare genetic illness. Here’s a bit more from Jesse and his wife Michelle:

We are raising money for Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy (PPMD) on behalf of our sons who were diagnosed with Duchenne in January 2023.

PPMD is a world leading organization for Duchenne advocacy, parental support, and research. We have benefited tremendously from their resources since our boys' diagnosis in everything from understanding medical care options and clinical trials to financial guidance and state-specific support.

If you feel that a small donation is within your means, it would help a fantastic organization support the lives of tens of thousands of families.

Help them out if you can!

---

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE