Just Draw a Congressional District Around Each Person
A modest proposal for American politics.
Guest writer alert! Luke Herzog is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer and playwright who has also contributed to McSweeney’s, Points in Case, and Slackjaw.
We all agree that politicians cannot be trusted to draw their own districts. However, every gerrymandering “solution” merely presents more problems: Relying on the courts has been a bust, multi-member house seats remind me of when the teacher forced group projects on the class, and algorithmic mapping sounds suspiciously like letting Claude run the republic.
Even America’s metaphors are malfunctioning — the seams have split on the patchwork quilt, and the melting pot has boiled over. Now, this nation can only be described as a work of pointillism. A dot painting. As it turns out, every man is an island. Democracy floats adrift in a vast Americapeligo.
The only fair solution is obvious: Draw a congressional district around each person.
Who better to represent you than… you? Approval ratings among your constituent will skyrocket. Every two years, take pride in reelecting yourself with 100% of the vote (that’s a mandate!). Or, alternatively, hold yourself accountable. Convene a town hall in your bathroom mirror. Publicly condemn yourself after embroiling yourself in a sex scandal. Launch an internal ethics investigation after you catch yourself accepting a bribe.
Take Craig MacDougal of Omaha. Craig would represent Nebraska’s 1,456,701st Congressional District. Its borders would radiate outward from the approximate longitude and latitude of Craig’s spinal column, extending twenty-two inches in every direction. Twenty-three after Thanksgiving dinner.
“Welcome to Congress, Representative MacDougal. Your district’s boundaries will be demarcated by this hula hoop. Please keep it around your waist at all times or risk censure.”
While we’re at it, abolish the fifty states. It’s time for hyper-federalism. Stitch as many stars onto Betsy Ross’s flag as there are actual stars in the night sky. Become your own state: Callie-fornia. Ken-tucky. Penn-Sylvia. Rhode Island may remain unchanged out of respect.
Be your own boss. That is to say, serve simultaneously as governor, lieutenant governor, comptroller, fire marshal, sanitation commissioner, and disappointed parent of the state’s public school system (you’re also the superintendent). Government of one person, by one person, for one person.
E pluribus? Nah. Just unum.
Did you know the House of Representatives has been capped at 435 members since 1913? That’s absurd, elitist, anti-democratic. Uncle Sam needs to make room for Uncle Jesse, because we’re going Full House. Fuller, even. Expand the chamber to include every American.
Current population estimates would place congressional membership at roughly 342 million representatives, though that number will fluctuate slightly whenever someone gives birth to twins (an instant political dynasty, as the pair will be promptly sworn in by the midwife).
In this new political landscape, Congress shall convene in a colossal, ever-expanding superstadium (or “FreeDome”) built at the mean center of the U.S. population. According to the Census Bureau, the heart of America lies near Hartville, Missouri. This gargantuan arena will envelop Hartville and most of greater Wright County. Unlike the Great Wall of China, the FreeDome actually will be visible from space.
Parliamentary procedure will require air-traffic control. Freshman representatives seated leagues away in the nosebleeds will fire signal flares to invoke cloture. C-SPAN broadcasts will resemble footage of migrating birds. A masochistic few will watch the blurry speck of a filibustering Cory Booker through military-grade binoculars.
This, folks, is what direct democracy looks like. And frankly, it’s the only recourse we have left.
(Or I guess we could establish independent commissions to review political maps so districts don’t disproportionately benefit one party and more accurately reflect the will of voters.)
Until then, I’ll be in my hula hoop.
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Oh great, now we need 174,350,001 votes just to bring articles of impeachment
Just unum hahaha