We're Going to Deport Every Foreign Film in the Criterion Closet

A memo from your friends at ICE.

New writer alert! Tony Delgado is a cartoonist, illustrator, and writer. He currently is alive in Connecticut with his wife, Kathleen, and his bossy corgi, Michael.

MEMORANDUM TO: All ICE and CBP Field Offices
FROM: Department of Homeland Security

Effective immediately, ICE and CBP personnel will execute coordinated extraction operations targeting the Criterion Closet. If you are a foreign film, particularly of non-European origin (such as the work of master filmmaker and Academy Award winner Akira Kurosawa) we will not stop perusing the shelves until we find you and remove you.

Pursuant to recent Executive Orders, securing our nation’s borders from domestic insurrectionists requires extraordinary measures. That’s why we’ve redefined what actually constitutes a threat to our border. From tear-gassing inflatable frogs in Portland to ambushing parents at federal courthouses in New York, duty calls us considerably further than what a rational person might expect.

This year, foreign films have been popping up inside Criterion Closets all over the country, particularly in crime-ridden Democrat-run cities. In a flagrant disregard for the greatness of American cinema (which gave us not one but two Weekends at Bernie’s), liberals have committed treasonous acts like shamelessly broadcasting their support of Wong Kar Wai’s colorful and poignant meditation on longing, In the Mood for Love.

Perhaps even more disgusting is that morally bankrupt Hollywood elites have been grooming young cinephiles. Using YouTube videos of celebrity “Criterion picks,” the liberal media tricks viewers into checking out the oeuvre of Pedro Almodóvar. These movies—including Volver, All About My Mother, and others—originate from the Mexican nation of Spain. Many of them insidiously offer complex portrayals of female characters, all the while showcasing one star-making turn after another by a young Penélope Cruz.

The Criterion Closet, in direct contravention of this administration’s priorities, acts as an expertly curated sanctuary for foreign films that are criminally difficult to find. Hiding in plain sight are deep-cut Japanese horror films like Nobuhiko Obayashi’s surreal, highly experimental House—sitting right next to the work of dissident Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi. Using flimsy excuses like cultural relevance and artistic merit, these foreign films are allowed to take root with no one to answer for the frankly terrifying idea that movies don’t have to have superheroes in them.

Ultimately, we will find some excuse to force our way inside the Criterion Closet. It’s our patriotic duty, despite the lack of a warrant signed by a judge—immigration, MPAA, or otherwise.

These films will not be lovingly shown to the camera and placed in a Criterion tote, as past left-wing propagandists John Waters, June Squibb, and Slavoj Žižek have done! No, we plan to trash them willy-nilly, likely damaging their covers (which we will admit often feature original and eye-popping artwork commissioned exclusively by the Criterion Collection).

Even more devastatingly, we will NOT remove these films to their countries of origin. Instead, we plan to send them outside their playback region, meaning cinephiles/liberals will need a region-free DVD or Blu-ray player to even enjoy them.

You have been warned. We could show up any time, so enjoy all three hours of Tarkovsky’s Andrei Rublev while you can.

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