Eulogy for a Modern Man
Today, we grieve a loving father and screen junkie.
New writer alert! is Executive Director of UVA Darden’s Batten Institute for Entrepreneurship, Innovation and Technology. He is a former venture founder and leader of education verticals at Apple, Salesforce, and LinkedIn; the bestselling author of a career book; and writes the newsletter .
Today, we grieve the loss of our loving husband, son, brother, and father.
He was a true family man, of course, but his most intense and abiding passion was Instagram. He committed his adult life to its steady stream of dopamine hits. Ever intrepid, he bravely eschewed his own preset time “limits” almost daily.
A devoted father, his bond with his adoring children was anchored in their shared love of reels and memes—especially “parenting fails.” They also connected meaningfully on viral challenges, including the tortilla slap, the mannequin, and the Wicked riff (though they never quite found time to do them together IRL).
His avid use of TikTok was similarly borne out of attempts to relate to his spawn as they aged into social media usage and algorithmic captivity—but the app transcended them in the end.
His intensity and focus were truly world-class. He was actively engaged in his community (on YouTube). He once attended a school board meeting via Zoom. Never one to half-ass things, he doomscrolled deeply and zealously. He was especially fond of reading cataclysmic news about which he could do, and ultimately did, nothing.
A man of fierce intellect, he spent tenfold the hours playing the New York Times’ Spelling Bee than actually reading the New York Times. He proudly achieved the status of Queen Bee 14 times. And though he was regrettably unable to attend six consecutive family piano recitals, his Wordle streak stood at 73 days at the time of his passing. (It once reached 248, ending on the word “catch” and requiring him to take the day off work.)
A voracious reader as a child and Dostoevsky aficionado in high school, his attention span shrank in midlife as swiftly as his circle of actual (though not virtual) friends. As a generally joyful person who died peacefully, if prematurely, his only torment was any “long read” eclipsing two and a half minutes.
He received 42 likes (hearts?) on his final IG post about the most underrated games for the original Nintendo—including one view, but not a like (heart?), from his college crush.
He won 1 out of 17 fantasy football seasons, despite a more intimate knowledge of the weekly waiver wire than of who taught his children at school.
He found LinkedIn boring.
Our Modern Man’s highly curated online life was without challenge or nuance or attainment of useful knowledge. Indeed, his complete and total dedication to digital stimulation knew no bounds. From climbing Mount Kilimanjaro to creating the killer app, he had many plans—but, never one to postpone joy, he instead passionately pursued playing games on his phone.
He is survived by his doting trad wife (who honors him by heretofore staying faithfully on-trend), his four beloved children, and the addictive algorithms that knew him more deeply than any of them ever did.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be sent to Meta Incorporated in Menlo Park, CA.
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Is it telling that I am only coming up with emojis in response? 🤦🏻♀️😩🫠
Brilliant.