New writer alert! Andrew Wood is a writer and future organ donor from New York.
Thank you again for participating in last month’s study on clinical depression. Typically, the results of these studies are never shared with the participants, but in this case, we felt it necessary to make an exception. Based on your results, you are the most depressed person we have ever surveyed.
Congrats!
You scored consistently high marks across the board: lack of emotional health, low quality of life, absence of self-worth, and overall bummer vibes. We cannot emphasize enough how remarkably depressing you are.
As you may recall, one of the tests involved isolating subjects in a dark, windowless room for several hours, then measuring their well-being afterwards. Well, all the other test subjects reported that this experience was less depressing than simply waiting in the lobby with you. Several showed an eagerness to stay in the isolation room on the off-chance they would encounter you again outside.
You were also the sole subject who didn’t report at least some level of mood improvement after spending time with our support animals. Meanwhile, many of the animals seemed listless and withdrawn after your session. Our researchers are amazed!
The reason we’re sharing this with you is that our colleagues around the country have found your case extremely interesting. We propose that you join us on a cross-country academic tour, so that hundreds of experts may have the chance to observe you and your exceptional depression in person.
For liability purposes, you will not be able to stay in the hotels with us. Our data shows that your presence can manifest depression in others. (We would recommend that you isolate yourself from others, but we know you have already essentially done so). However, we have procured a rather impressive cage for you. In fact, it was the same one used to transport famed pandas Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing to the Smithsonian National Zoo.
We hope that this news gives you a renewed sense of purpose. You mentioned in your exit interview that you often feel overwhelmed by a feeling of uselessness, but this could not be further from the truth. Your advanced mastery of depression has spurred many staff members to develop a more positive outlook on life. “At least I’m not that guy” has become an unofficial mantra around our office.
Congratulations again, and we look forward to seeing how much sadder you can get from here!
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