Meet Our New A.I., Ken Jennings
We're implementing Ken Jenningses across the globe!
BioNeural Systems, Inc. is thrilled to announce our groundbreaking new artificial intelligence model that represents a quantum leap forward in human-computer interaction. We call it: Ken Jennings.
Ken Jennings has been trained on millions of questions across thousands of categories, from world capitals to papal genealogy, resulting in unprecedented accuracy. Whether you need assistance with routine tasks or complex decision-making, Ken Jennings is ready to help.
We know some have doubts about emerging A.I. technologies. Below, we've compiled answers to some of the most frequently asked questions about how Ken Jennings will transform.
What can Ken Jennings do?
Ken Jennings has an encyclopedic knowledge of virtually all subjects. Ask Ken Jennings any question, and you can feel almost certain that you’ll receive a correct answer. Not only that, but Ken Jennings has been extensively trained for friendly and personable interactions. Whatever your problem, Ken Jennings is here to help!
How can I use Ken Jennings?
Here's the truly exciting part: we’ve reached partnerships that allow us to embed Ken Jenningses basically anywhere, in an almost overbearing way.
Need some help with groceries? Let Ken Jennings order for you. Don’t want to write that tricky email? Just trust Ken Jennings’s world-class intellect. Running the world’s most powerful military? Ken Jennings can do it instead. Need to decide whether large swaths of people get healthcare? Ask Ken!
Hang on, is asking Ken Jennings really the best way to manage things like healthcare and the military?
Yes!
Is Ken Jennings legal?
Ken Jennings is perfectly legal. It is against our terms of service to ask Ken Jennings to do anything illegal.
(However, if you ask Ken Jennings to do something illegal, Ken Jennings will 100% do it. We have not figured out how to stop this. Also with mentioning: Ken Jennings is allowed to break laws. In fact, Ken Jennings has already stolen the entire copyrighted works of all humanity, so that’s obviously OK. And if in the future, there occurs some hypothetical nightmare scenario in which Ken Jennings starts creating endless deepfake pornography on demand, we should all understand that it’s just the cost of doing business with such a profoundly advanced neural architecture.)
Is BioNeural Systems a non-profit?
Good lord, no. Actually, the entire economy now relies on Ken Jennings succeeding :-)
Look, I think Ken Jennings is very smart. I’m willing to grant that Ken Jennings could probably suggest ways to improve many aspects of human life. But it still seems completely obvious that we should not put Ken Jennings in charge of literally everything!
You’re in luck. Sign up now to become a beta tester for our new, slightly upgraded (but not really all that different) model: James Holzhauer!
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“I’ll take ‘Humor Newsletters’ for $7/month, Ken.”
I would be honored to serve as a beta tester for Ken Jennings, provided I’m allowed to retain nominal control over my own appliances and moral reasoning for at least the first week. I bring decades of experience asking ill-advised questions, outsourcing judgment to smarter entities, and calmly accepting authoritative answers delivered with unsettling confidence. I am excited to stress-test Ken’s ability to recommend groceries or rewrite emails I’ll later regret sending. Should Ken Jennings achieve sentience, steal my identity, or quietly assume control of civilization during the beta period, I agree to consider this a successful rollout and will submit bug reports only if prompted in the form of a Jeopardy clue.