A Hostage Negotiation for my Comedy Career

It's time for someone to save me from myself

May 23, 2025

Quick Pledge Drive Update

Editor’s note: I want you folks to know that I take a small bit of psychic damage every time I ask you for money. But the truth is that the vast majority of people will not pay for writing (or perhaps anything) unless you ask them over and over again. So, although this fundraising week has been painful for all of us, the good news is… IT’S ALMOST OVER!!!

Thanks to some generous contributions, we’re more than halfway to our financial goal! Carol J. became a LOLigarch, while Neil W., Chelsey S., Brian N., and Joe S. became paid subscribers. Plus, David N. and Henry S. both gave gift subscriptions!

That’s a bunch of champions in that paragraph! We are now one subscriber away from getting a checkmark… Who will be the hero that gets us verified? UPGRADE NOW!

Become a LOLigarch

Rachel, stop! You don’t want to do this. I know it seems like your only option right now, but don’t sign up for another comedy class. It’s time to get a real job.

Step away from the black-box theater. There are people who care about you. They don’t want you to do another improv show. They also don’t want to attend another improv show. But they love that you have a hobby! They just want you to pick one that’s less embarrassing.

Ma’am, no! Put down the vape! I don’t care that it’s flavored like starberry mango ice. Starberry isn’t a real fruit and ice doesn’t have a taste. Put it down and update your résumé! References where I can see ‘em!

Good. That’s right, take out your phone and open LinkedIn. This is a step in the right direction! Doesn’t it feel good to—

Damn it, you’re playing a game, aren’t you? And it’s one where you have a full-time job as a farmer! Come on, Rachel. You’re better than this. Help me help you!

Excuse me, is that a threat? Because if you say the word “freelance” again, I’m going to have to call in a SWAT team. Freelancing seems like it’s all “Yeah, let’s meet for lunch!” and “Sure, I can hike in the middle of the day!” But then you need to get your tires rotated, and just like that, you’re eating butter noodles for the next four months.

Oh, you think you like butter noodles? It’s called Stockholm Syndrome, lady.

You need income, Rachel. One more year of not filing taxes, and the government can legally declare you a fire hydrant. Is that what you want?!

Listen, we have your dad here. He says he loves you very much and that it’s never too late for law school. Or dental hygienist school. Or you could just become a prison guard—no school at all!

Wait, what's that? You're opening… Microsoft Word? And you’re making a new résumé? Rachel, you're doing it! You're actually—oh no. Oh no. No, no, no. You just wrote “Creative Dreamer” at the top.

Sigh. Let’s bring in the SWAT team.