15 Things I Would Never Say
A handy list in case of robot doppleganger invasion.
New writer alert! Eric Filipkowski is an LA-based writer who has written for South Park and SpongeBob SquarePants. He just published his first book, 2 Dumb Dinos. He has Marfan Syndrome and once said “Bonjour” in a commercial.
I am afraid of being murdered and replaced by a realistic-looking robot.1 A robot could easily replace me and continue along as if nothing had happened. It would live my life, sleep in my bed, bang my wife, and worst of all: get showered with the accolades I deserve for my short humor writing.
But I’m not one to sit idly by and let the chips fall where they may. I’m a man (not a robot) of action. And so, I have compiled this handy list of things that the real me would never say.
If you meet “me” and you hear “me” say any of these phrases, you can inform the proper authorities that I’m an imposter, and they should immediately stop payment on any royalties I am owed for this article.
“Do you guys have an outdoor section? I want to vape.”
“Get your dog away from me. I don’t want to pet him!”
“That’s my friend in the Cybertruck.”
“No thanks, I’ve had enough breadsticks.”
“We’ve gone on enough rides for one day. We should skip the Monorail.”
“Owning your own swimming pool isn’t worth it.”
“Oh no! We’re missing The Voice!”
“I have to check how my picks did on my FanDuel.”
“Excuse me, stranger in the elevator, please turn up the volume of the video you are watching so we can all hear.”
“Extra pickles, please!”
“So you say you have some interesting tips about investing in crypto?”
“I like visiting the national parks—I just wish there was more walking around while getting sunburnt.”
“We should take more time in TJ Maxx, babe. I’m sure there’s some clothing you haven’t physically touched with your hands yet.”
“Why do they always make the font so big on these websites? It makes it too easy to see what you are reading.”
“Sure, I’ll babysit your kid. That sounds fun!”
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This fear is only partially stoked by my recent viewing of Alien: Earth.
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Also “babe.”
If I ever tell my wife I’m watching “Eat, Pray, Love,” she knows I’m being held hostage. It’s a code we agreed on cause it would never ever happen : )