What I Did Over Winter Break by Barron Trump

A very difficult NYU business school assignment.

Hello again, fellow NYU freshmen. It’s great to see you for the start of another semester. I’m here to present my report about what I did over winter break.

Before I begin, I want to assure everyone that this project was just as difficult as the 30-page corporate valuation briefs you all completed. To clear up some unfortunate rumors, my special assignment is unrelated to Professor McPherson’s recent nomination to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

With that out of the way…

Winter break was cool. I spent most of it in Florida with my family. Except my mom. She stayed in New York because she says she “hates that guy.” Let me explain: she’s from Slovenia, so sometimes she uses the wrong English words. Like, she’ll say guy when she means state, or asshole when she means husband.

Florida was cool, though. I tried a fish taco. I also spent a lot of time with my Uncle Elon. (You guys might know him as Elon Musk, but he made me start calling him Uncle.) We played video games and drank a cocktail he invented called The Dirty Boner. He’s so epic! He told me so a lot.

Christmas was cool until Donny and Eric made Jared and me play basketball with them. They always make me try to dunk, even though they know my ankles are too weak for jumping. Luckily, Bashar al-Assad got deposed, so Jared had to go make some money off it and the game ended early.

My dad got me a Nintendo Switch. He gets me one every year. I’m not sure if he thinks they’re disposable or what. But it shows he knows what video games are, which means he’s definitely still with it, which is cool because every time I saw him during the holidays he called me “the ghost of his youth.”

I ate way too many cookies on New Year’s Eve! But I still made it to midnight, which was cool because it meant I won twenty bucks off Vladimir Putin. Who, um, was not at Mar-A-Lago with us and definitely did not stay three nights in the Pravda Suite.

Anywho, now I’m excited to be back at school. I’m looking forward to another semester with you all learning about cool business stuff, plus my internship next summer as Secretary of the Treasury.

---

WELCOME BACK!

This is the first Chortle of 2025, and I’m excited to get back into the swing of things. We’re immediately resuming our regular schedule: posts every weekday, with Wednesdays and Fridays behind the paywall (usually).

I want to give hearty salutations to our most recent paid subscribers: Jon N., Mayur C., and Joel P. — all three of whom upgraded from a free subscription. Thanks all!

Finally, a special shoutout to Ellen W. (that’s my mom) for gifting a paid subscription to Susan M. (that’s her good friend). By supporting Chortle, you can be more like my mom and less like former Speaker of the House John Boehner (just one example of a lame person who does not subscribe).