Yoram Ong is a writer. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna comedy, and more.
Oh, you got a new pet? Well, I’ve read more than two pet care guides, so let me give you some friendly advice. Here’s what you’re doing wrong.
Do not let your pet sleep in your bed.
Your pet will assume ownership of all your furniture, including that armchair you thought was yours.
Do not give your pet treats.
Your pet will become a seasoned negotiator, only obeying commands after contractual snack agreements.
Do not give your pet toys.
Your pet will invent their own “fun,” which will involve dismantling your couch, car, and possibly local infrastructure.
Do not buy your pet clothes.
Your pet will develop a fashion addiction and run up your credit card on luxury brands.
Do not feed your pet human food.
Your pet will develop a taste for fine dining, break into Michelin-starred restaurants, and end up on a watchlist.
Do not bathe your pet too often.
Your pet will become so fragrant they’ll be mistaken for an artisanal soap bar and stolen by hipsters.
Do not ignore your pet’s barking/meowing/squeaking.
Your pet will escalate to Morse code, then to hacking your smart devices.
Do not let your pet watch TV.
Your pet will binge true crime documentaries and become a criminal mastermind.
Do not use a leash.
Your pet will yearn for freedom, eventually join a traveling circus, and never write home.
Do not talk to your pet in a baby voice.
Your pet will develop an inflated ego and run for political office.
Do not adopt more than one pet.
They will unionize and vote you out of your own house.
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Editor’s note: Huuuuuge thanks to our newest paid subscribers, Mike M. and Susann N., as well as Flower (who took me up on my birthday deal!) Maybe I’ll use all that cash to train my dog not to be a dingus…
On second thought, that may be impossible, so I’ll stay focused on creating an independent home for humor writing. Thanks again for support!
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"Congratulations on your adoption of a baby Gremlin! We hope you two spend many happy years together. But first, a few reminders..."
Here's how I see it ...
https://todaysmuse.substack.com/p/muse-24-the-shit-your-dog-will-eat