Evaluating Trump's Lawyers (By Hotness)

A serious journalistic investigation.

We here at Chortle Industries value our journalistic integrity above all else. Maintaining the editorial trust we’ve built over these past two weeks is a responsibility we don’t take lightly. As such, it is imperative that we turn a watchful eye to matters of global importance — such as the many ongoing trials of New York businessman and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York cast member Donald Trump.

Much ink has been spilt upon the former President’s legal woes, including many deep analyses of his ever-changing defense team. However, no outlet has yet been brave enough to evaluate Trump’s legal team using one of journalism’s most important and longest-practiced standards: physical attractiveness.

That ends today.

Donald Trump’s Legal Team, Ranked by Hotness

Honorable Mention: Rudy Giuliani

Rudy is here to symbolize everyone who has represented Trump since the start of his political career, but who isn’t currently part of his legal team. Giuliani has long been the unofficial face (hah) of the many half-employed-yet-somehow-wealthy lawyers who float through Trump’s circle, appearing and disappearing more quickly than wild Pokémon.

In fact, a Pokédex would be helpful to keep track of them. Wikipedia lists 55 names in its Donald Trump attorneys category! As our former president might say: that’s a huge number, folks. Many people are telling me there are more lawyers on the list than there are East German football coaches.

It’s too many to rank in one post, so I’m limiting the official rankings to Trump’s current lawyers. Rudy stands in tribute to attorneys past and those yet to come. (At least, until he gets disbarred.)

5. Steven Sadow

Case: Election Interference (Georgia)
Description: The human personification of yogurt.
Legal Analysis: This guy is begging for a distinguishing feature. He needs a beard, a mole, an eye patch… something to definitively show members of the jury that he is not a leftover mannequin from Men’s Wearhouse. This could be a fatal flaw for Trump’s defense in Georgia.

4. Christopher Kise

Case: Classified Documents
Description: Walton Goggins starring in a Bill Nye biopic.
Legal Analysis: The bow tie is a delicate instrument, to be wielded only by fashion experts, in the same way that only a true samurai may carry the daisho. Otherwise you look like a big dork. Kise gives off a Chicken Lawyer from Futurma vibe, which is not what I personally would choose if I were to be charged with espionage.

3. Susan Necheles

Case: Hush Money
Description: A mop wearing Burberry.
Legal Analysis: I have to hand it to Susan Necheles: she looks pretty normal. It’s not much, but there simply aren’t very many ordinary-looking people in Trump’s orbit. Her legal predecessors include weirdos like Ty Cobb and John Eastman and Sidney Powell. In that context, looking normal is a notable accomplishment.

2. Todd Blanche

Case: Hush Money, Classified Documents, Election Interference (Federal)
Description: Constipated gym teacher.
Legal Analysis: The head of Trump’s legal strategy (for now) might be a decent-looking guy, if only he had the physical ability to unclench his torso muscles. Alas, it’s hard to find a photo of him in which he doesn’t seem to be in some form of gastric distress. Perhaps that’s why he’s prone to uncontrollable shouting fits.

1. John Lauro

Case: Election Interference (Federal)
Description: Frankenstein’s better-looking brother.
Legal Analysis: Here we have the cream of the crop. John Lauro could easily co-star as the widowed innkeeper in a third-rate romcom. He has the type of rock-solid jawline you want on your side in a court of law, whether you’re an elderly election meddler or a degenerate gambler.

Do good looks make him a good lawyer? No. In fact, given that these people were all hired by Donald Trump, we can safely assume they’re idiots — by his own admission. But isn’t it nice to know that idiots spread across the hotness spectrum are on the case?