The Cynical Consumer's Guide to Refrigerator Shopping

The damn thing broke.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Hey all! Just a quick heads up that I’ll be in three different cities over the next 10 days for family and work reasons, so Chortle is taking a quick spring break. We’ll be back in action on Monday, 3/23. Thanks for understanding!

---

As the editor-in-chief of Chortle Industries, I wear a lot of hats: comedy writer, marketing executive, thought leader, robber baron, the list goes on. I’ve recently added another role to the list by taking on the responsibility of heading our consumer investigative team.

Why? For one thing, product reviews are big money operations at The New York Times and Consumer Reports, which very well might be the last two print publications in existence. Plus, more importantly, my refrigerator broke last week, and I needed something to write about today.

Lucky for both you and me, after a frantic weekend of cross-referencing model numbers and cubic measurements, I’m now able to present you with this comprehensive guide to every type of refrigerator on the market.

LG French Door Refrigerator with Internal Water Dispenser in PrintProof Stainless Steel

This stylish and sophisticated model comes with roomy storage capacity and built-in features like a door-in-door design, an internal water dispenser, and a convertible freezer drawer. All this and more can be yours at a reasonable price — as long as you ignore every online review about this company. Buy it, cross your fingers, and hope that your model is one of the select 10% of fridges made by this manufacturer that don’t blow a compressor within 36 months.

Samsung Side-by-Side Smart Refrigerator with Touch-Screen Family Hub

This futuristic refrigerator features all the bells and whistles you need to turn your appliance into a surveillance arm of the NSA. The 21.5-inch embedded touchscreen lets you leave digital sticky notes for your family, stream music from Spotify, and unwillingly share information with virtually any government, domestic or foreign.

Whirlpool Top-Freezer Refrigerator with Handles

Do you want a simple device that does nothing except keep food cold? Unfortunately, your only option is this: a fridge for the spiritually divorced. The Whirlpool Top Freezer offers two temperature-controlled compartments, one non-adjustable shelf, and whatever a “crisper drawer” is. There’s no light bulb inside, which reflects the darkness of your kitchen situation.

JennAir Side-by-Side Refrigerator with Capacitive Touch Controls

This fridge costs $14,000. You can’t afford it. You’ll never be able to afford it. You don’t even want it. But simply looking at it forces you to acknowledge the fact that it is out of reach. It’s also the only thing in the store that actually works as advertised.

GE Side-by-Side Refrigerator with External Ice & Water Dispenser

This is the fridge you bought. Congratulations! It’s made by a historically reliable manufacturer and was in your budget range, so what could possibly go wrong?

Please, Benevolent God of Home Appliances, let nothing go wrong…

(Something will definitely go wrong.)