Sex Dreams I’ve Had about Jason Isaacs in 'The Patriot'

Ravish me AND the colonies, Colonel Tavington.

Guest post alert! Caroline Horwitz is an elder millennial who turned 15 the summer “The Patriot” came out, which may explain a few things. You can read more of her work at www.carolinehorwitzwriting.com.

Colonel Tavington, dastardly villain that he is, spots me wearing my No Kings hoodie and tears it off me like a petticoat.

“That cost me $30 on Etsy,” I say. “But if you don’t carry that kind of currency, I’m sure we could work something else out…”

---

I squeeze myself into a period-appropriate corset. It’s so uncomfortable, I worry I’ll suffocate to death, but at least it gives me insane cleavage à la Aunt Charlotte. However, in an unfortunate twist of events, my now-ample bosom accidentally smothers my lover Tavington to death.

---

We catch each other’s eyes at the British and Loyalist ball. He advances toward me and runs a tender hand down the sleeve of my gown. “Your dress is quite fetching,” he says.

“Thanks,” I reply, blushing. “It’s from the American Girl Doll catalog. Felicity, obviously.”

---

---

He’s somehow shifted into his character from The White Lotus, and he steals his wife’s bottle of Lorazepam and brings it to me. “You’re the only one I’d ever share this with,” he confides. We each simultaneously pop a pill, lie atop the 4,000-thread-count sheets in his suite, and sleep for eleven uninterrupted hours.

---

Jason Isaacs/Tavington is in the middle of bribing Tom Wilkinson/Cornwallis into granting him a parcel of American land after the war.

“Tell me about… Ohio,” he purrs.

“Ooh, I was born there!” I shout, emerging from the corner. “I can tell you anything. Birthplace of aviation—don’t let North Carolina tell you otherwise. Cedar Point. Skyline Chili. Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame. Has its own national park, inexplicably. Was a key swing state in the national elections for a while, but that’s pretty much been shot to shit now. OSU Buckeyes. Honestly, their fans can be scarier than the Redcoats. More? I can keep talking dirty all night, baby.”

---

He wears his Lucius Malfoy costume for me. I spend hours brushing and French-braiding his long blonde mane before we make spellbinding, wizardly love. Right before he’s about to finish, I whisper in his ear, “I never made it through all of the Harry Potter books.”

---

I come across him, so to speak, shaving by the creek. Yes, that scene where his long, wavy hair is down and his frilly white shirt dangles open sluttily. I don’t stand a chance.

“Is that a straight razor in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?” I try.

“Who the hell are you?” he asks, glaring.

“I… uh… have an urgent message from your general! He says he just figured out that the only way to defeat the Patriot militia is for you to have sex with me. Immediately!”

---

I roll over in bed the morning after a night of passionate lovemaking and sigh.

“Anything troubling you, darling?” Jason Isaacs from The Patriot asks.

“Not really. I mean… just… sigh. You’re so hot, and politics aside, I think we make a great couple. It’s only… do you think you could ever maybe consider… not murdering children or setting churches full of innocent civilians on fire?”

“No,” he replies without hesitation.

“Really? Not even for me?”

“Certainly not. I have a duty to uphold.”

“…Eh, no biggie,” I say. “Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask, but hardly a dealbreaker.”

---

Mel Gibson’s character ducks just in time to avoid Colonel Tavington’s killing blow. He catches Tavington by surprise and prepares to impale my smoldering Brit with a bayonet, but I sneak up from behind and slash the American rebel first.

“No one,” I snarl, “penetrates Tavington… except for me.”

“But… Why? I’m the hero…” Mel croaks with his dying breath.

“Yeah, supposedly, but your antisemitism comes to light in a few more years, and it’s not pretty. Also, this movie becomes, like, disturbingly popular with the J6ers. See ya.”

The Colonel and I ride off into the sunset. Me in front, of course.

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE