Reviewing Oscar Movies I Haven't Seen

Because really, who has the time?

Photo by Mirko Fabian on Unsplash

As Substack’s 86th-ranked humor publication, Chortle has a certain obligation to weigh in on issues of national and international significance. Whether it’s our renowned coverage of Ebola outbreaks in Africa or our various investigations into global human trafficking rings, our readers expect coverage of the top issues of the day.

…Like the Oscars! What could be more important than Hollywood’s biggest night?¹ And this year, the stars will be OUT as ten nominated films once again compete for Best Picture. Unfortunately, I’ve only had time to see two of them.² But I’m not going to let that stop me from fulfilling my duty to Chortle subscribers, many of whom I can only assume have been waiting on tenterhooks³ for our Academy Awards preview to finally arrive.

Here are my reviews of the eight nominees for Best Film that I haven’t seen—but some of which I have vaguely heard about.

Bugonia

From the visionary director of another Oscar movie I saw a couple years ago but can’t currently recall the name of, this erotic drama (?) stars Emma Stone as a florist (?) and Jesse Plemons as a creepy guy (this one feels like a safe bet). But not everything is as it seems… Or is it exactly as it seems? Therein lies the tension.

Greg’s Recommendation: Promise yourself to watch this on Netflix, but then forget about it until the next time an Emma Stone movie comes out.