Rejected Presidential Debate Topics

Some things they won't be talking about on Thursday night.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are “debating” tomorrow, whether we like it or not. I chose to use quotes because it’s likely to be an evening of barely comprehensible shouts and mutterings, rather than a debate in more traditional terms. Nevertheless, this event is surely important to several dozen undecided voters across the country (all of whom, sadly, have a smooth glass marble in place of their brain).

The debate is set to be hosted by CNN in Atlanta. Both campaigns have agreed to rules laid out by the network, which notably give moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash the ability to mute either candidate’s microphone in the hopes they can “enforce timing and ensure a civilized discussion.”

Um, good luck with that. You know who’s showing up, right?

If you can’t tell, I’m not exactly optimistic that this debate will be worth anyone’s time — in large part because I’m hearing that the following topics are completely off limits for our two decrepit… er, *distinguished* candidates.

Rejected Presidential Debate Topics

1. Can you name your own grandchildren?

2. Players on the 1949 Brooklyn Dodgers.

3. Throat-clearing contest.

4. How many brain worms have you had?

5. The Andy Griffith Show.

6. Dinnertime: how early is too early?

7. Please walk faster than this toddler.

8. Name a movie made after 1980.

9. What’s your skin routine?

10. Werther’s Originals vs. York Peppermint Patties.

11. Describe what you think a computer does.

12. Crimes committed by you and/or your children.

You know, actually, that last one will probably come up…