Potatoes Are The New Dinosaurs

They're both prehistoric, but only one is delicious.

Editor’s note: Sometimes, I feel compelled to share a strongly held opinion. This is one of those times.

Maybe it’s my Irish heritage talking, but the only scenario I can imagine would make our planet inarguably, 100% worse than it is right now is if we didn't have potatoes.

No french fries? No chips? Nothing baked, mashed, or wedged? Tragic.

It turns out that might have been our reality, were it not for a random prehistoric event. Scientists recently discovered that potatoes likely originated nine million years ago as a hybrid between wild tomatoes and Etuberosum plants, with this ancient genetic merger giving rise to today’s edible tuber.

Here’s researcher Sandy Knapp:

“It's a chance event. You know, that's the thing about evolution is sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. And we're quite lucky this one worked because otherwise, we wouldn't have potatoes.”

To me, the conclusion is obvious: Dinosaurs are out. Potatoes are in.

Dinosaurs currently suffer from a problem of over-exposure. Jurassic Park is an incredible premise for exactly one movie, but a new version every summer just makes me feel like those tourists deserve to get eaten. We have dinosaur-shaped toys, costumes, and somehow even chicken nuggets. Most kids can identify 47 different dinosaur species before they learn their mom has a name. It’s tiresome!

On the other hand, potatoes are a low-key miracle. Prepare them virtually any way, and they are delicious — “Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew” as some might say. Yet, there are no potato movies, no theme parks, barely a museum to be found. Mister Potato Head has been reduced to a goddamn joke. I call bullshit! Potatoes quietly feed a third of the world, while dinosaurs just lie there being dead.

Of course, I will admit that on a surface level, a fearsome T-Rex is more impressive than your average, stoic potato. But cosmically speaking, it's far more significant that a tomato and a flower had plant sex, and somehow their starchy progeny has more culinary uses than a buffalo. Think of it this way: if you shuffled that deck of genetic cards again, the potato might end up tasting like Monster Energy drink.

Dinosaurs maintain an advantage in the popular culture, but the science on potatoes is still evolving — as are potatoes themselves! While we humans exhaust ourselves with the burden of complex thought, potatoes have achieved what every philosophy major dreams of: a pure existence without mental suffering. They've perfected the art of doing absolutely nothing while remaining essential to civilization. Dinosaurs couldn't even handle a moderately large asteroid.

Given their historical trajectory, I only expect potatoes to continue evolving. It took them just nine million years to become the most delicious thing on the planet. In a few million more, I wouldn’t be surprised if humanity is bowing down to a race of highly intelligent super potatoes — all while dinosaurs remain fossilized in the past.

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In the meantime, it will be business as usual around here — perhaps with a more pronounced FUCK NAZIS ALWAYS AND FOREVER subtext.

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