I Love(d) New York!

I was a tourist for three days! Here's some funny stuff I saw.

It turns out there is nothing on Earth as energizing as a three-day vacation from toddler parenthood. That’s what my wife Robin and I discovered last week during a quick jaunt to New York City. I’m usually not an enormous fan of the place, but 72 hours of total freedom made it feel like the greatest city in the WORLD! (Has anyone thought of calling it this?)

Here are some things I saw during this brief period in which I wasn’t changing diapers.

---

Hey, I’m walking here! Or rather, I was walking here…

The High Line is my favorite thing about New York, narrowly topping the pervasive smell of hot garbage!

---

I stopped to take a photo of this mural, mainly because Robin’s last name is Darling, and I am therefore required by marital law to snap a pic every time I see that word in the wild. (Surprisingly often!)

Wait a second… Computer! Enhance.

Going from head to toe, this intensely Brooklynish gentleman is wearing pink aviator sunglasses, a handlebar mustache, a vaguely Leninist t-shirt, a peacoat (in summer), leopard print leggings, and velcro slippers.

Enjoy your molly tonight, sir!

---

There’s so much art around New York! Some of it isn’t great!

I mean, why is this peace-themed mural giving me UFC vibes?

Meanwhile, this somehow manages to offend multiple senses.

---

Speaking of offensive…

What the hell?! A bar called Rocky’s with a boxing gloves logo in New York???

I’m taking offense on behalf of the city of Philadelphia. What’s next? A Cheers in Dallas? A Paddy’s Pub in San Diego? A Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in Times Square?!

I’m glad this place went out of business.

---

I’m not glad Sam Ash went out of business, however, if only because this has to be the saddest thing ever printed on 8.5”x11”.

Enjoy my ghostly reflection!

Note the festive 100th-anniversary logo. I hope that the graphic designer billed early!

---

Now we get to the real reason for my trip: we sent a Chortle investigative correspondent to both One World Trade Center and the Empire State Building to investigate mainstream media claims that these buildings are “tall.”

The verdict?

---

Finally, Robin and I saw Cole Escola’s incredibly hilarious play Oh Mary! on Broadway. The show is impossible to spoil and nearly impossible to describe, but it’s so, so, so funny. I recommend seeing it at basically any cost short of murdering a family member for their ticket.

Don’t believe me? We were sitting behind Conan O’Brien, and he was laughing the whole time. CONAN, HIMSELF!

Sorry I snapped this pic like a creep, Conan!

I will spoil exactly three jokes from Oh Mary! only because they were hidden away in the men’s bathroom: fake archival photos from nonexistent productions starring Escola. There’s very little I love more than this kind of goofy theatre in-joke.

Photos by Daniel Rampulla.

Here are the captions transcribed from left to right:

Dana H - 2022
”I can’t lie, this was not a good experience for me. Some of the most disrespectful audiences I’ve ever performed for. I’ll probably never do another show at a Children’s Hospital.” - Cole Escola

Doubt - 2014
“The cast and crew of this show had it out for me from day one. Actors should be free to try things without judgment. That’s all I’ll say. If you want more information go to YouTube and search: drunk actor roller skates leaky diaper.” - Cole Escola

Romeo & Juliet - 1995
“We set the show in the 1950’s. I played Juliet as a teenage Sandra Dee type and we made Romeo a grandfatherly Walt Disney figure. It wasn’t received well. It’s almost like people enjoy being closed minded.” - Cole Escola

I’m telling you, go see this show!