The NBA Draft is hilarious
Ranking the funniest moments in the history of the NBA's most chaotic event.
The NBA Draft, which starts Wednesday, is a huge event on the league’s annual calendar. Each year, the draft welcomes a new class of players with vibes that are 50% high school graduation and 50% WrestleMania, while also unofficially kicking off the offseason maneuverings of all thirty teams.
The whole thing makes for big-time TV — this year, the league is even splitting it into two nights to maximize cultural saturation. The results of each draft help determine the future of a multibillion-dollar business, as well as impact the happiness of fans around the world. (Never speak to me about Deandre Ayton.) And it all hinges on a group of wildly unpredictable 19-year-olds in exotic suits.
Any self-respecting mathematician will tell you that high stakes + unpredictability + television = comedy. As proof, here’s my rundown of the five funniest moments in the history of the NBA Draft.
5. Brandon Jennings misses his entrance
The NBA generally invites twenty or so prospects to attend draft night in person. If you get one of these invites, it means you’re probably going to be selected in the first round. But there’s no guarantee, since the league decides on invites while teams decide on the picks. This occasionally leads to a highly-ranked draft prospect waiting around for a loooong time to hear their name called.
Brandon Jennings decided he didn’t want any part of that experience. (As someone who often got picked last in basketball, I don’t blame him.) After his agent told him that he might slip in the draft, Jennings ditched Madison Square Garden to go shopping in SoHo. As a result, he wasn’t in the building when Milwaukee surprisingly picked him 10th overall. Instead, he arrived after pick 14, and barely waited for commissioner David Stern’s introduction before strolling onstage to blow kisses at the crowd.
That’s plus-plus swagger, as the scouts would say.
4. Nené dances to the boos
The draft has taken place in or around New York City every year since 2001, and was also in the area from 1981 to 1991. Partly as a result of the location, Knicks fans have a long tradition of booing their team’s draft picks. (The other part is that the team has tended to really suck at drafting over the years.)
As a fan of a different torturous sports franchise, I understand their instinct. But it’s nevertheless extremely unfair to ruin the best day of a young hooper’s life by piling your unrelated resentment on them. Just go to therapy, guys.
That’s why I love how Nene Hilario reacted to Knicks fans’ boos when he was drafted #7 overall in 2002. Maybe it’s because he’s Brazilian. Maybe it’s because he already knew that he was getting traded away from those angry freaks. Whatever the case, I’m now convinced that there is no better way to respond to an arena full of boos than with salsa dancing.
3. Steve Francis has a bad day
Draft day was NOT the best day of young hooper Steve Francis’s life, despite being picked #2 overall by the Vancouver Grizzlies in 1999. In fact, his reaction made it seem like he thought Vancouver was located in the pits of hell, and to get there he’d have to hike a 10,000-mile road paved with sandpaper.
Francis had made it clear that he wasn’t interested in playing for Vancouver by refusing to work out with the Grizzlies before the draft. They were in a different country, had won only 19% of their games over four seasons of existence, and had used the previous year’s #2 pick on Mike Bibby — who played the same position as Francis.
Vancouver picked Francis anyway. He responded by aggressively sulking for the next 20 minutes, live on camera. Ultimately, Francis was traded to Houston before the season started, where he made three All-Star teams. His oversized reaction also may have helped kill the NBA in Vancouver. This is all further proof that if your job asks you to do something you don’t want to do, the best response is to act like Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer.
2. David Stern conducts the boos
David Stern is an iconic figure for many reasons. During his 30 years as NBA commissioner, the league grew exponentially thanks in part to gradual changes in the on-court product, and his endless promotion of stars like Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, and LeBron James.
He was also a great villain. His job often made him the face of unpopular league decisions — but sometimes it almost seemed like that was his favorite part of it. At no time was this more evident than during the draft, when he would annually accept the crowd’s hail of boos with panache. By his final draft in 2013, he was conducting them like a high school choir director.
Later in the same draft, he made a (pretty solid!) joke about telling the NBA’s foreign partners that “the boo is an American sign of respect.” In retrospect, there was more comedy in this man’s crispy white combover than Roger Goodell has in his whole stupid armchair.
1. Yao Ming high-fives his family
For teams drafting #1 overall, there are basically three NBA Draft scenarios:
No one agrees who the best player is.
Everyone agrees who the best player is.
Everyone agrees who the best player is, and HOLY SHIT THEY ARE GOING TO BE LEGENDARY.
Needless to say, scenario number three happens least frequently. But it happened back in 2002, when the entire NBA was eagerly awaiting the arrival of 7’6” Chinese phenom Yao Ming. However, due to an agreement with the Chinese government that required him to play for its national team, Yao was unable to travel to New York for the draft. Instead, he watched it from China alongside his parents and coach; NBA TV sent a camera crew to capture his reaction to being chosen number one.
So what happens when a burgeoning superstar from a repressive basketball backwater gets drafted #1 on international television at 7am local time?
The world’s most awkward high five.
This is so extremely relatable. I’ve failed to execute a lot of high-fives over the years. The biggest problem is that once you’re in a bad high-five, there’s no smooth exit. The only way out is through, as they say. So imagine the panic Yao must have been feeling during this terrible four-way palm job. If it were me I’d still be thinking about the awkwardness of it, even after twenty-two years and a Hall of Fame career.
But since it wasn’t me, I’m glad it was on TV. I’m glad the draft and its related chaos exist. Maybe we’ll even get a great moment of comedy this week. On draft night, hope springs eternal.
So hilarious!!!😂 You