My Son's Michelin Guide to Dining

Reviews by a leading authority in the field of "eating."

Editor’s Note: I’m taking Monday off for Memorial Day. See you back here next Wednesday!

Photo by Alimentos Fotogénicos on Unsplash

The Michelin Guide presents its annual selection of distinguished dining establishments, as awarded by a critic with three years (and seven months) of experience in the fields of food consumption (and rejection).

Mommy and Daddy’s House

Home to the city's finest frozen chicken nuggets and a rotating selection of dry cereals. Intimate space in a neighborhood the owners cannot afford. Entertain yourself with the many small toys available for mid-dining enjoyment. Consistency remains elusive; some nights the food is served at a temperature I find unacceptable, which is any temperature. Warning: the staff will try to force you to eat “healthy” options, but they can be easily overruled. Only one bathroom and Daddy is usually inside. Plan accordingly.

Preschool

Exceptional. Everything on the menu is delicious, including foods I have rejected from Daddy’s hand moments before arriving. The dining room is loud, colorful, and smells faintly of urine—a nice touch. Attendance is, unfortunately, mandatory. Despite the highs, preschool is the type of establishment you don’t want to visit every single day. If you find yourself fatigued by the fare, I recommend loudly complaining right before you leave the house. If that doesn’t work, an on-site tantrum is a must.