My Son's 12 Step Plan for Avoiding Dinner

With a little practice, you don't have to eat anything at all!

Being a young child is often scary. Everything is new, you’re never in control, and (worst of all) your parents try to make you eat dinner. Every. Single. Day.

Luckily, my son Theo has devised a foolproof system for avoiding the meals that we prepare for him. While I disagree with his goals, I can’t argue with the effectiveness of his strategy—the kid doesn’t eat a goddamn thing! So I’m sharing his nightly dinner routine for any other three-year-olds out there who aspire to starve to death.

1. Bring your toys to the table. Make sure it takes several trips.