My Christmas List of Things That Don't Exist

For my loved ones and/or scientific research institutions.

Photo by Ira Ostafiichuk on Unsplash

Every year, my family asks me what I want for Christmas. And every year, I struggle to come up with a satisfying answer. I am by no means a Tibetan monk who exists outside the shackles of desire, so I used to view this as a creative failing: Why can’t my stupid brain think of one single stupid thing that they should buy me?

But I think I’ve stumbled on an answer. I’ve realized there are plenty of gifts I’d like to receive—it’s just that most of them don’t exist. Nevertheless, I’ve compiled these requests into a Christmas list, in case any enterprising inventors/loved ones want to make my dreams come true this year.

Greg’s Christmas List

• A device that makes other people’s ears ring if I think they’re driving poorly.

• Two extra hours each day that are just for catching up on TV shows.

• A website that lets me text politicians to ask them to donate money towards my career ambitions.