Additional Wildly Unexpected Things That Might Unite America

The United Healthcare shooter could be just the beginning.

We live in wild times. If you had “Handsome Assassin Kills Healthcare CEO” on your bingo card of things that might unite America, 1) you’re playing a really strange game of bingo, and 2) you have unusually sharp bingo-related foresight. Nevertheless, that’s essentially what’s happened in the wake of United Healthcare executive Brian Thompson’s murder and the ensuing (now completed) manhunt.

It’s not my job to provide another thinkpiece to fuel the internet take machine. It is sort of my job to laugh at the fact that this has caused inflammatory dummies like Ben Shapiro to get dunked on by their own audience.

However, more than that, I know you folks come to Chortle for our exacting predictions of how the news might affect future events. It’s how we’ve earned a Nate Silver-like reputation for accuracy, which we soon intend to squander with a Nate Silver-like turn toward blowhardiness. In the meantime, please be on the lookout for these possible headlines that, like the United Healthcare shooting, might unexpectedly unite Americans.