More Things Opposed by the Southern Baptist Convention

I'm sad to report it's not just IVF, folks.

Photo by Jeremiah Higgins on Unsplash

You may have heard that earlier this week, the influential Southern Baptist Convention voted to formally oppose in vitro fertilization. This caused consternation for many — including many of the 63% of white evangelicals who say they support IVF. That vote came shortly after the Convention narrowly defeated a constitutional amendment banning women pastors, which needed a two-thirds super majority to pass but got “only” 61% in favor of the amendment. Again, there was alarm inside and outside the church, which currently has an estimated 1,800 female pastors.

Sadly, Chortle is hearing from inside sources that the SBC did not stop there. In fact, we’ve discovered several previously unreported votes the Convention took this week in its pursuit of ideological purity…

More Things Opposed by the Southern Baptist Convention

• Newfangled technology (cell phones, traffic lights, bifocal glasses).

• Popped corn, the devil’s treat.

• Bibles with small fonts.

• Women being Marvel superheroes.

• Babies whose first word isn’t “evangelical.”

• Scientists who look too Jewish.

• Using the word gay to mean “lighthearted and carefree.”

• Listening to Marvin Gaye.

• Supporting the San Francisco Giants, Cleveland Indians, Texas Rangers, San Diego Padres, New York Yankees, Atlanta Braves, Seattle Mariners, Kansas City Royals — all baseball teams that once employed Gaylord Perry.

• Working for Mary Kay (sounds too much like gay).

• Uppity teenagers.

• Supreme Court financial disclosure rules.

• Movies about unholy dogs who play sports.

• Rhetorical consistency.

• “Our wives.”

Have you heard about anything else the Southern Baptists oppose? Let me know in the comments.