Mission Report: Earth

An update on humans from an alien spy

Photo by Brooke Denevan on Unsplash

RECONNAISSANCE REPORT
Agent: Gorlax Bendlefizz
Cycle 847.2
Status: URGENT RECALL REQUESTED

This marks my eighteenth rotation monitoring the bipedal mammals of Sol-3 (designation: "Earth"). As detailed in my previous seventeen recall requests, I humbly submit another petition for immediate extraction.

I long to be back home on Thornex 9, bathing in one of our many oceans of razor-sharp needles. Instead, I'm stuck on this terrible planet with these bizarre creatures.

I never thought I’d miss the four suns and boiling atmosphere of home, but the discomfort caused by 10,000-degree heat is nothing compared to this thing they have here called “news.” It spreads “new” information, but while you might think there to be an inherent limit on newness, Earth news is as never-ending as our polar lava floes — and twice as destructive!

How I miss the endless screaming of Thornexian methane storms! It would easily drown out a common ritual here on Earth known as “small talk.”