16 Lesser Known Tax Filing Statuses
You may qualify for a Romantic tax break.
Guest writer alert! Amy Greenlee’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Frazzled, and Jane Austen’s Wastebasket. She is the creator and lapsed caretaker of The Gospel of Jest. You can also find her on Bluesky.
Single, Filing Romantically
You must be unmarried, and you must have at least one potential partner who agrees that doing taxes together counts as a date.
Single, Filing Unknowingly
You must be unmarried, and you must have at least one parent who asked for all of your W2s in January.
Single, Filing Frantically
You must be unmarried, and you must have completely forgotten about taxes until 11:39PM on April 15th.
Single, Filing Haphazardly
You must be unmarried, and you must have randomly clicked your way through the H&R Block software.
Married, Filing Conjointly
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete the taxes with a spouse looking anxiously over your shoulder, double-checking all your math.
Married, Filing Redundantly
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete the taxes as a nice surprise for your spouse, who has already completed the taxes as a nice surprise for you.
Married, Filing Contentiously
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete your taxes in a manner that suggests you are still mad about Sunday and could probably use a shoulder rub.
Married, Filing Performatively
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must talk about doing the taxes several days before starting them and several days after completing them.
Head of Household, Emotionally
You must be part of a household where you provide more than 50% of the invisible, unpaid labor, and you must have at least one qualifying codependent.
Head of Household, Spiritually
You must be part of a household where you make no less than 100% of the decisions, and you must have at least one qualifying tradwife.
Head of Household, Metaphysically
You must spend at least 50% of your time wondering what it means for a household to have a head and whether or not a household can exist outside of someone’s subjective experience. You must also have at least one qualifying roommate who doesn’t pay rent.
Head of Household, Literally
You must exist only from the neck up. Somehow, you must also have at least one qualifying dependent.
Qualifying “Surviving” Spouse
You must have a spouse who is still technically alive but might as well be dead, based on what they contribute to the household. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is parenting up.
Qualifying (And Thriving) Spouse
You must have lost a spouse within the past two years, and you must now be living your best life in a way you never knew was possible. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is high on the hog.
Qualifying Conniving Spouse
You must have lost a spouse within the past two years under somewhat suspicious circumstances. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is willing to testify against you.
Qualifying Surviving Blouse
You must have lost a pair of matching trousers within the past two years, and you must have at least one qualifying built-in scarf. You must not be remarried.
MORE FROM CHORTLE
22 Fast Facts About Semicolons
Semicolons can be used to connect independent clauses that are closely related.
They can also be used to connect clauses that are unrelated—but only if the clauses grew up in the same house and were never told they were adopted.
10 Tax Season Scams to Avoid
It’s tax season—which means it’s also scam season. Odds are that right now, some foreign techno-spammer posing as the government is trying to worm their way inside your wallet.
 | A guest post by
|
😂
I may need to consult a tax unprofessional to determine which of several applicable statuses gives me the most favorable ratio of tax break to psychotic break.