It’s me, a plastic six-pack holder

Has cutting us up saved the world?

Hey, quick question: did you solve climate change yet?

I’m just wondering because you’ve been diligently cutting up my fellow soda can holders with scissors for your whole life…

Surely that wasn’t all a big waste of time, right? Like, cutting us up must have been the first step in a grand plan to save the planet that everyone agrees with? Because otherwise, you’re just pointlessly defiling the corpses of my friends. There, I said it.

Oh wait—this is about the turtles, right? We accidentally choke one or two of ‘em, and suddenly everyone decides we’re public enemy number one. Newsflash: people also kill turtles! I know all about "eco-tourism," pal. But I don’t see you cutting up dead humans into tiny bits. Hypocrites.

And another thing: there’s a whole island of plastic out there in the middle of the ocean! A floating continent of shopping bags, yogurt lids, and discarded dildos. It’s a veritable Fyre Festival for polyethylene. But somehow, little plastic rings are still the problem? Slice into an industrial printer for once!

You know, for a minute I thought we were off the hook. Remember the Great Straw Panic of 2018? Everyone was sharing pictures of those annoying turtles with straws in their noses. I thought, “Finally! Someone else takes the heat!” But nope. That craze went out like the Charleston and yet we’re still a go-to eco scapegoat.

And you know what’s really rich? After all that careful snipping, you’ll still throw me in the regular trash. Not the recycling. Not some fancy eco-bin. Just a regular kitchen bag where I’ll hang out with old diapers and expired hummus. Great job, Greta Thunberg.

Try showing some respect from now on. Remember that without us, you’d be carrying around loose Diet Cokes like the monster you really are.

---

---

Film Festival This Weekend!

If you’re in Los Angeles, come check out a screening of my short film Please Give Me An Oscar Please this Saturday as part of the Los Angeles Animation Festival. I’ll be there, so please say hey if you swing by!