If Non-Pharmaceutical Products Listed Side Effects
New writer alert! Stephanie Hurley is a writer and English teacher from New Zealand who enjoys all things creative. Her work has been published in Tarot and Mote.
Moisturizer
May cause excessive softness and unrealistic expectations. Side effects include a feeling of existential dread when the reality kicks in that you’re still the same person, just with dewier skin.
Coffee
Beware of overuse. Side effects may include: a scarily fast heart rate, seven new browser tabs you’ll never read, and a near-coma crash upon withdrawal. Warning: dependency is 98% likely (the other 2% didn’t like the taste).
Kale
May trigger smugness and an overwhelming sense of self-righteousness around peers. Prolonged chewing is likely. Not recommended for people who enjoy flavour.
Plastic food storage containers
Warning: addiction is likely. Common side effects include diminished cupboard space and anxiety over an impending avalanche each time you open the door.
Wireless headphones
Incessant head nodding and impromptu dance moves are possible. Side effects may include sideways looks if you accidentally break into song in public. Caution: monitor volume to avoid asking peers to repeat themselves constantly.
Meditation apps
Causes fleeting inner peace, a vague expression, and accidental napping. Results may vary.
Online shopping carts
Common side effects include: tendency to overspend, a skewed perception of savings, and hyperfixation on reaching the minimum spend for free shipping. Patients also report temporary personality reinvention and delayed regret coinciding with parcel delivery.
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Real-life shopping carts
Common side effects include: back strain from trying to separate them; wrenched shoulder when rear wheel suddenly locks up in soup aisle; uncontrollable fits of anger over wobbling, clattering front wheel; mysterious viral infections from removing used sanitizer wipes left in basket; paint dings from carts strewn randomly around the parking lot; diarrhea and constipation, the common side effects that show up in every drug ad even though they should cancel each other out.
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