I Was About to Do the Thing, I Swear

But then I remembered that I'm me.

New writer alert! Yoram Ong is a writer based in the Philippines, published in McSweeney’s, The Penny Pub, and elsewhere.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

Today was supposed to be the day. I woke up with the energy of someone who was definitely going to consider doing the thing. I even told someone I was “on it.” Which, as we all know, is practically the same as actually doing it.

But then I had coffee. And while having coffee, I remembered that it’s important to ease into things. You can’t just start. That’s dangerous. Muscles need to warm up. Minds, too. I didn’t want to strain anything.

So instead, I checked my email. This was strategic. What if something urgent had arrived that would interfere with doing the thing? It hadn’t. But the possibility was there, and it was brave of me to confront it.

Next, I made a to-do list. “The thing” was on it, right at the top, in bold. Unfortunately, so were many other things. Lesser things. Things like “reorganize apps on phone” and “deeply examine the nutritional information on every item in the fridge.” Somehow, those jumped ahead.

Then I got sleepy. Probably because of all the mental preparation. So I lay down—not to nap, but to rest my focus. Let it marinate. Marinating is productive. It’s passive prep.

I woke up two hours later feeling surprisingly guilty for someone who had technically done nothing wrong, unless you count doing nothing at all as “wrong,” in which case, yes, I was very wrong.

I opened the thing. The actual file. Stared directly at it. That counts. That’s a stare of intention. I did not edit anything or write a word, but I acknowledged its existence, which is more than I did yesterday.

Then I closed it and went for a walk to “get clarity.”

On my walk, I passed a man fixing a fence and felt deep shame. Look at him. Out here doing a thing. So I picked up the pace, as if physical momentum might convert into moral momentum.

It didn’t. But it felt very cinematic.

Back home, I decided to do a quick Google search for “how to start doing the thing when you really don’t want to do the thing.” Three hours later, I know everything about dopamine, executive function, and the daily routines of people who are not me. Still haven’t done the thing, but I am informed about why.

Now I’m thinking of calling a friend for accountability. Not to report progress. Just to tell them I’m thinking about the thing. That should be enough to keep me honest. If I make the call. I probably won’t.

The day is nearly over. But I did so much. I felt guilty, I made a list, I walked near a guy with a hammer. I have lived.

The thing will have to wait. But tomorrow—oh, tomorrow has potential.

Unless it’s raining.

Or sunny.

Or a weekday.

We’ll see!

---

Editor’s note: Here’s a fun bit of Chortle trivia for you… By my count, we’ve now published writing from seven different countries: the United States, Canada, the UK, Portugal, Sweden, Hungary, and the Philippines. I think that’s pretty cool!

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE