Hyundai Safety Warning for Anyone Over 40
Shiny dashboard reveals terrible truth about your neck.
Dear loyal Hyundai customers,
Please be aware that the 2025 Hyundai Ioniq 5 could kill you. It’s not that the car tends to blow up, roll over, or get stuck in drive. But the Ioniq’s stylish dashboard features a standard integrated unit with a highly reflective 12.3” digital instrument cluster. And if you were born before the late 80s, this means you will be continuously distracted by the image of your rapidly sagging neck while you’re driving.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
The simplest solution is to keep your eyes locked ahead. We know what you’re thinking: “But as a safe driver, I should always be scanning my surroundings.” Sure, if by surroundings you mean that weird new lanyard of skin that seemingly jumped ship from the rest of your neck overnight. And why is it just one side? Or is it? Maybe you should turn your head and risk slamming into the Prius in the next lane!
You know, if you had gotten a Prius, you wouldn’t have an instrument panel so shiny that it reflects your neck, which now has more layers than Steve Bannon on a fall day, PLUS every questionable decision you’ve made in your ever-lengthening time on this Earth. No, the Prius wouldn’t reveal a person so old and withered, a person whose list of regrets has now taken the form of dermis swaying in the breeze, a person so pathetic that they’d look more comfortable on public transportation than in a 100% electric car, a car of the future! This car was meant for those who still have hope.
BEWARE: Do not hold back the offending asking flap with one hand to provide a more appealing, less distracting reflection. This will inevitably cause you to use your other hand to pull back the other side, momentarily giving you the appearance of a 20-something. If driving with no hands doesn’t immediately cause you to crash, the 120-decibel “driving with no hands” alarm (standard on the Ioniq 5) will.
Even if you’re able to ignore the mirror image of the rope ladder emerging between your chin and chest by some miracle, your mind just might start to wander. This, in itself, is a safety hazard. Who can properly check their blind spot when they’re calculating just how many lattes and rent payments they’d have to skip to afford neck-tightening surgery? Or what if you hadn’t bought this unflattering death-trap in the first place, and instead handed over a down payment to a plastic surgeon? You wouldn’t have a car, but it’d be fine walking everywhere now that you’re newly fit for public scrutiny! Of course, there are risks in every surgery—but is it as risky as driving the wrong way down a one-way street because you caught a glimpse of yourself with what looks like a cat’s cradle under your head?
The Hyundai corporation regrets your purchase. At this time, we are not issuing an official recall, but we do suggest investing in a collection of seasonly appropriate scarves.
(By the way, Hyundai means “modernity” in Korean. In other words… young. So really this is on you.)
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You know what’s cheaper than a neck lift? Use sandpaper to take that reflective shine off your dashboard. Or, if you’re afraid that would reduce your car’s trade-in value, use it on your neck.