How to Read the News
Helpful instructions for navigating the misinformation era.
New writer alert! Graeme Caldwell is a humor writer, improviser, and all-around pretty swell guy. He writes satire for his publication, . He likes espresso and conjunctions and run-on sentences.
Pick a source you trust
It’s good to be wary of all authority you haven’t already arbitrarily decided to like.
Skip to the part that tells you what to think
Most articles are full of jibber jabber. Just reading the last sentence or two should do.
Confirm with AI
If the article you found doesn’t wrap with a direct categorical conviction, large language models can save you a lot of time from thinking about what you just read.
Beware of misinformation
Words like “science” or “data” are dead giveaways that you’ve stumbled onto liberal propaganda. It’s best to ignore any evidence that isn’t sourced from a male-led, Austin-based podcast.
Check the comments
Once your opinion on a subject is solidified, scour the comments for someone who disagrees with you and consider calling them a slur.
Bring up your newfound knowledge at work
Your coworkers are just waiting to hear it.
Kick back and download a sports betting app
Pop open a beer, empty out your savings account, and put it all down on that parlay you’ve been dreaming up. You earned this!
Mortgage the house
The bank account is empty now, but you’re feeling really good about this next game, and you can make it all back with a little bit of capital.
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“If it’s news, it’s news to us.” (Formerly: “Democracy dies in darkness.”)