I Am Early to Bed and Early to Rise, But I Am Not Healthy, Wealthy, Nor Wise

Benjamin Franklin's advice has hurt more than it's helped.

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Dear Mr. Benjamin Franklin,

For several years now, I have obediently heeded your advice and gone to bed early (at 9:30 p.m.) every night, without fail. This allows me to wake up, like clockwork, eight hours later (at 5:30 a.m.), which I hope we can agree is objectively ‘early to rise’. Yet despite this regimented sleep schedule, I am not healthy, wealthy, nor wise.

For this reason, I would like to lodge a formal complaint.

Going to bed at 9:30 p.m. as a full-fledged adult isn’t always easy. I live in a city, and I’m single. As a notoriously promiscuous person yourself, I’m sure you know how much happens after dark. Explaining to potential paramours that I, a 30-year-old woman, have a rigid bedtime isn’t exactly a turn-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on a date and, no sooner has my suitor asked if I’d like a second G&T than I check my watch and see that my early-to-bedtime is fast approaching. Nevertheless, I’ve tried to be strong and trust in your words.

On the other hand, waking up at 5:30 a.m. day in and day out is exhausting. Scientists say that maintaining a regular sleep schedule helps regulate your body clock. (You were way ahead of the curve on this, Mr. Franklin, sir.) But sometimes a gal just wants to sleep in! My roommate told me that if my tea kettle wakes her up at 5:45 a.m. one more time, she’s going to replace my hairspray with bleach and put glue on the inside of my hat so it sticks to my head, like in Matilda. (That’s one of my favorite movies, but the other night when my friends got stoned together and watched it, I couldn’t join because I had already taken my melatonin and drunk the last drop of my Sleepytime Tea, thanks to you.)

As you can see, I have made many sacrifices to adhere to the constraints laid out in your famed proverb. I’ve put my full faith in you, genius polymath and American founder, Benjamin Franklin. And yet, when I went in for my annual physical last week, the doctor performed the check-up, reviewed my bloodwork, then firmly told me I needed to take better care of myself. Eating a full-sized candy bar for a bedtime snack isn’t healthy, she informed me. Regular exercise is important, she advised. When I tried to explain that I go to bed early and wake up early too, which should make me healthy, wealthy, and wise — thereby compensating for my other poor choices — she referred me to a psychiatrist.

Furthermore, I got my latest credit card bill the other day, and it turns out I AM NOT WEALTHY! I owe them over $23,000. As a devotee of the Franklin method, I was positive that this couldn’t be correct. Yet when I called my bank’s wealth management team for assistance, they couldn’t suppress their laughter. “You don’t have any wealth to manage,” they blurted out between fits of giggles.

Evidently, I am not healthy, and perhaps I am not wealthy. But, I thought to myself, surely I had gained enough wisdom to offset these problems, thanks to our nation’s most esteemed founding father. So, off I went to take an IQ test. Suffice to say that the members of the wealth management team are not the only ones who got a nice abdominal workout from their efforts to suppress hysterics.

Mr. Franklin, I write to you as an admirer who has historically held you in the highest regard. Please, I beg you: What the hell do I need to do to obtain health, wealth, and wisdom ASAP? An 8 p.m. bedtime? A 4 a.m alarm? I am willing to give anything you advise a try (except syphilis).

Sincerely,
Unwell, Poor, and Foolish

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