A Message from Pro-Abstinence Mosquitos

SMASH needs your help to keep mosquitos from having sex.

Conner Jackson

lives and writes in Brooklyn, NY. A midwesterner at heart, he's still looking for a restaurant in NYC with acceptable ranch dressing.

“By creating what amounts to a sexually transmitted disease specifically for mosquitoes, the scientists unveiled a potentially powerful new weapon in the global fight against malaria.” - University of Maryland

Dear Purity Patrons,

I’m not going to sugarcoat this, nor will I coat it in delicious human blood. Mosquitoes are facing a crisis.

Pro-death human scientists want to wipe us off the face of the earth with a new sexually transmitted disease. Our organization, Saintly Mosquitoes Against Sexual Hookups (SMASH), is the only thing that stands between mosquito-kind and extinction.

Faced with this new challenge, there are only two options for young mosquitoes:

• Option 1: Remain abstinent, avoid the deadly STD, get married, be fruitful and multiply, and mosquitoes eventually rule the planet.

• Option 2: Live in sin, have sex before marriage, get the deadly STD, die, eternal hellfire, and destruction of the mosquito species.

While we already know the best defense against any STD is abstinence, endless distractions make it harder than ever for young mosquitoes to stay the course.

Male mosquitoes emerge from their pupal stage like ravenous monsters with only one thing on their mind: “I’ve gotta start having sex because I only live for 10 days!” It’s hard for female mosquitoes, too, especially with the unrealistic body standards set by social media. We’ve all heard the complaints: “My antennae are growing in uneven” or “Is my proboscis too thick?”

But with your generous support, SMASH is here to help teen mosquitoes thrive! Here’s a brief summary of all the great work we’ve been up to:

• Updated curriculum: Our new curriculum is sure to create a lot of buzz. It’s easy to mobilize and comes with a companion video series entitled “God Has a Bug Zapper So Don’t Have Sex Before Marriage or He’ll Get You”.

• Social media campaign: Using our social media accounts (@SMASHL8R), we’re planning a summer campaign to empower young female trad-squitoes to proudly share their beliefs. It will feature a new signature hashtag: #BuzzOffDudeImWaiting4Marriage

• New t-shirts and other swag: Our fun new shirts prominently feature slogans like, “TIME 2 SMASH” and “SMASH WITH ME”.

• Wholesome activities: Fun events to keep young mosquitoes away from temptations. We had great success with our recent “Mocktails with Mom” event for teen mosquitoes and their moms, which featured plant nectar mocktails.

But don’t just take our word, here’s a quote from one of our teens:

“The events are cool. The mocktails are always bussin’!” – Billy Itchington, 15 hours old

As always, everything we do is driven by our mission to encourage young mosquitoes in their abstinence journey. This is where you come in. We’re asking for a donation right now to help us take on this new STD. Donate today, and we’ll even send you our mocktail recipe book.

Speaking of recipes, I’ll close with the world’s best recipe for mosquito survival:

• 1 abstinent female mosquito

• 1 abstinent male mosquito

• 1 healthy fear of God’s wrath

• 1 wholesome teen mosquito youth group

• 1 marriage

• 1/4 cup standing water (preferably in old tire)

• 1/500 tsp human blood

• 0 tsp DEET

• A generous donation to SMASH

This combination always yields happy pupae and ensures species survival for millennia to come.

With gratitude,
Amy Anklebiter
Chief Executive Bloodsucker

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