I Declare War on My Lawn

The time for re-seeding has passed.

DECLARED, by the undersigned (henceforth known as “me”), acting in my capacity as sovereign of the backyard:

My lawn having not responded in a satisfactory manner to my efforts over a period of many years, I am compelled to see to the safeguarding of my rights and interests, and, with this declaration, to have recourse to force of arms, on the basis of the following offenses.

• WHEREAS I have, in good faith, aerated, seeded, fertilized, and watered said lawn each spring for the past four years, only for it to look worse now than if I had never done anything at all;

• WHEREAS I have repeatedly applied topsoil to level the lawn’s irregular surface, which has somehow increased the number of bumps;

• WHEREAS my firsthand experience has proven Scotts® EZ Seed® Patch & Repair to be a blatantly false brand name;

• WHEREAS I’ve tried four different kinds of rakes;

• WHEREAS the dead grass gives the property an unmistakable “Boo Radley” vibe;

• WHEREAS my neighbor’s cat has taken to pooping on the lawn’s bare patches, which causes my dog to dig up and eat said cat poop;

• WHEREAS it’s frankly a miracle that the whole thing hasn’t already gone up in a wildfire;

I consequently consider myself henceforward in a state of war with my lawn. I hereby order its complete and unconditional destruction utilizing all tools, methods, and materials at my disposal.

It is my intention to swiftly pursue this state of total annihilation by continuing my current horticultural approach without modification.

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Big Ol’ Thanks!

I want to give a hefty shout-out to Perry B. and Barbara B. for B-coming paid subscribers. I also want to profusely apologize to you both for the “B-coming” joke I made in the previous sentence, and I promise that every joke you read in Chortle from now on will be better than that. I really appreciate your support!

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