There are countless examples of brilliant artists who died in obscurity scattered throughout history. Think of Vincent van Gogh, who sold only one documented painting in his lifetime. Or Herman Melville, who passed away thinking Moby-Dick was a failure. Or the cult singer-songwriter Nick Drake, who sold fewer than 5,000 copies of his three albums during his lifetime.

These artists were only recognized for their genius after they died. Given these historical examples, it stands to reason that the same thing is probably happening right now. In fact, there are likely thousands of digital Van Goghs out there, struggling to be discovered in the contemporary art and media environment.

Who might they be? Let’s take a look at some possibilities.

Tony Bertoletti

Bertoletti arrived on the New York stand-up circuit in 2009 as an up-and-coming angry guy with very fresh material about the differences between New York and New Jersey. In 2022, a big break for this “comedian” seemed to be imminent when he was booked on the Joe Rogan Experience to rant about trans people. But sadly, he got into an altercation with his Uber driver on the way to the studio and missed the podcast. His career has never recovered, and his insights about the Holland Tunnel remain tragically unrecorded.

Specktaculous

In the crowded field of men's lifestyle content, few figures have been as consequential — or as overlooked — as Specktaculous. While his looksmaxxing rival Clavicular has a dedicated army of followers, Specktaculous is the one who deserves credit for developing the category’s signature blend of testosterone-fueled skincare routines and unsolicited life advice. Perhaps someday history will recognize him for having pioneered the streaming format of “having a drug overdose on camera,” but for now, he’s stuck at 4,000 followers on TikTok.

@TurdMemes

While the masses have gravitated toward more conventionally minded accounts like @PoopJokes, serious observers have long suspected that @TurdMemes was operating on a different plane entirely. Where @PoopJokes gives the people what they want, @TurdMemes has consistently challenged its audience — asking not merely that they laugh at poop, but that they feel something about it. Art historians may one day look back on this Instagram account the way we view Georges Seurat: a virtuoso artist working at the edge of what the form could do, misunderstood in his time, vindicated by posterity.

xFoxyStacyx

This X-rated digital cartoon of a Japanese girl with fox ears has a rich interior life, a fully realized mythology, and a sprawling universe of fetish content that should, by any artistic measure, be making people extremely horny. And yet xFoxyStacyx has never even cracked the top 100 creators on OnlyFans. Whether this reflects the culture’s failure to appreciate genius happening before their eyes, or whether it’s because the whole thing is run by a guy named Jeff between shifts at the California Pizza Kitchen, remains an open question.

@PuppySLOP

The creator behind PuppySLOP was just beginning to find her distinctive artistic voice: vaguely mutated puppies rendered with eerie realism by Artificial Intelligence, accompanied by copyright-free music. She was accumulating followers at a pace that suggested something was clicking, when suddenly OpenAI shut down the Sora video generation platform and ended it all. Her account went dark overnight. It was, by any honest assessment, the greatest single act of artistic devastation since the collapse of Vine. How can an artist thrive if their very medium goes extinct?

(@PuppySLOP can still be found on YouTube and has just received a $100 million investment from Disney.)

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MORE CHORTLE

Last week, The Atlantic reported that FBI Director Kash Patel may be on the outs, in part due to bouts of excessive drinking in front of White House staff and incidents in which members of his security detail had difficulty waking him from hangovers. Patel has denied the allegations and filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit, but expectations remain that he will soon follow his fellow Trump appointees Kristi Noem and Pam Bondi out the door.

What might the White House be looking for in a replacement? Based on Patel’s qualifications — as well as those of other cabinet members like Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and recently resigned Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer — Chortle has created a shortlist of possible future FBI Directors.

Here are six candidates to know.

Lauren Boebert

A loyal Trump ally who may be ready to exit Congress after several bruising elections, Boebert checks some of the boxes. In 2023, she was escorted out of a Denver performance of Beetlejuice after vaping on a pregnant woman, groping her date, and asking theater security if they knew who she was. These are promising indicators. However, the administration has set a high bar for the position — specifically, a liquid one — and the fact that Boebert's most publicized incident of intoxication didn’t involve alcohol may give the president pause.

Mel Gibson

The widely disgraced movie star would be an unconventional choice — but Trump is an unconventional president. Gibson's experience in law enforcement (Lethal Weapon), the military (Braveheart), and pro-America propaganda (Chicken Run) makes him comparatively qualified for a Trump cabinet post. His 2006 DUI and subsequent anti-Semitic tirade demonstrate a commitment to the lifestyle that has characterized this administration. But the tirade itself may be disqualifying, simply because Gibson did not get drunk enough to pass out.

Tipsy O’Malley III (R-FL)

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Good afternoon, fellow anthropologists. I was somewhat surprised to receive an invitation to speak before you, given that I’m relatively new to the field. However, it’s true that I spent one day in bed with a cold this week, and as a result, I now consider myself an expert on the isolated peoples of the Andaman Islands in the northeastern Indian Ocean.

Where to begin? Perhaps most well-known among these tribes are the Sentinelese people of North Sentinel Island, who have often been hostile—and sometimes violent—toward outsiders who approach their 23-square-mile patch of land. We can all agree that the Sentinelese’s extreme isolation and millennia-old lifestyle make them a fascinating subject of study. Fascinating enough, I daresay, to spend an entire morning reading about them on Wikipedia while you have the sniffles.

But what you may not know, unless you’ve spent 1-2 hours perusing “Related Articles” like I have, is that the Sentinelese make up but one of the six indigenous (and often reclusive) peoples of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands—a fact I know because I copied it directly from one of said Wikipedia articles.

There are also the Great Andamanese, the Jarawas, the Onge, the Shompen, and the Nicobarese. For anyone still questioning my credentials, I may only remember one or two of these tribes long-term, but that’s more than enough for me to bore someone at a party. And if that doesn’t make me an expert, then I’m not sure I understand the term.

Since you’re all specialists here, there’s no need for me to regale you with the many fun facts I picked up thanks to my brief head cold. But I will anyway.

For example, no one outside of their society speaks the Sentinelese language! It’s even mutually unintelligible with their closest neighbors, the Onge. One theory about why the Sentinelese are so hostile to outsiders is that it stems from a measles outbreak caused by British explorers 150 years ago. One of those explorers, a colonial administrator named Maurice Vidal Portman, took what remain the most extensive notes on the Sentinelese society. But unfortunately, his observations mostly reflect the fact that he was a closeted homosexual: “Many of the men are very good-looking… though the women are rather of the Hottentot Venus order of beauty.”

I found this quite interesting, after I subsequently read the Wikipedia article about Hottentot Venus so that I understood the reference.

Listen, I could go on all day, simply summarizing things I learned from an already brief summary of these living historical artifacts, whom we understand almost nothing about to begin with. So I will! Do you realize that the Jarawa people have become notably more interactive with modern society thanks to the controversial construction of the Great Andaman Trunk Road? Don’t get me started! (Mostly because I barely read any of those articles before my cold medicine knocked me out.)

Among all my research, there’s one thing that will stick with me long after this post-nasal drip has run its course: how much we don’t know. We can’t ask them any questions, so we just don’t know… Do they have families? Do they make art? Do they worship?

And, of course, the most important question for a researcher like myself: what Wikipedia articles do they read when they’re not feeling well?

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April 22nd, 1970
Coinciding with the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency, the very first Earth Day is held. Over 20 million Americans take to the streets to voice their concerns over rising environmental disasters and unregulated industrial development.

April 22nd, 1980
The 10th anniversary of Earth Day is celebrated with the passing of the Endangered Species Act, Marine Mammal Protection Act, and the Clean Air Act.

April 22nd, 2025
On the heels of the 55th Earth Day, President Trump pledges to close all EPA agencies, announces massive layoffs at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and slashes funding for climate change research.

April 22nd, 2033
The first Crude Oil Appreciation Day is held, replacing the recently eradicated Earth Day. Parents are encouraged to teach their children about the wonders of fossil fuels and the fallacy of renewable energy.

April 22nd, 2041
Frankie the Fossil is introduced as the official Crude Oil Appreciation Day mascot. A press release from the White House states that Frankie the Fossil delivers barrels of oil to good little girls and boys, and jagged shards of solar panel glass to bad ones.

April 22nd, 2053
The American blue jay becomes the 29th avian species to go extinct in the past four years. The blue jay is retroactively added to the FBI Most Wanted List and the White House declares Americans are now safe from a treacherous foe.

April 22nd, 2062
Crude Oil Appreciation Day festivities are canceled due to raging wildfires across the country. Citizens are advised to stay indoors and watch a marathon of Frankie the Fossil and the Coal Kids Save Easter.

April 22nd, 2067
President Frankie signs an executive order to convert all national parks into environmental reeducation centers where misinformed Americans are educated on the harms of wind and solar energy.

April 22nd, 2083
To celebrate the 50th Crude Oil Appreciation Day, Congress passes the Happiest Place on Earth Act, allocating $19.7 billion dollars to rescue Disney World from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

April 22nd, 2091
The White House is moved to Boulder, Colorado. Emperor Frankie insists the decision has nothing to do with the majority of the East Coast now being underwater.

April 22nd, 2101
The televised Crude Oil Appreciation Day Parade is interrupted with a cryptic message from a mysterious organization known as the Children of Gaia stating simply, “Order will be restored.”

April 22nd, 2102-2132
Official Earth Day / Crude Oil Appreciation Day records lost due to “the Darkening.”

April 22nd, 2133
To celebrate the 100th anniversary of Crude Oil Appreciation Day, Emperor Frankie II is kidnapped by the Children of Gaia and hurled into an active volcano.

April 22nd, 2134
Global temperatures drop for the first time in nearly a century. A lone blue jay is spotted on the ruins of the ExxonMobil House (formerly known as the Donald Trump American First House) ((formerly known as the White House)).

April 22nd, 2145
Citizens of New America celebrate Gaia Day by re-sinking Disney World.

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Do these early days of spring feel bittersweet? It’s finally warm again, and you’d love to toss the baseball around, but you can’t seem to find anyone willing to stand a short distance away and throw it back?

It could be because you’re new in town and don’t know many people yet. Or maybe you just have one of those personalities.

If so, this is your lucky day.

My service, Have Glove Will Travel, offers the unique opportunity to interact with an actual human being (me), who will:

• Catch any baseball thrown from an appropriate distance at an appropriate speed.

• Throw it back at an equally appropriate speed.

• Make small talk throughout the duration of our session.

• BONUS: Pretend to work at your office if your wife or significant other asks who the hell I am.

And my services, you may be pleased to note, aren’t limited to baseballs. I’m also highly proficient with: Softballs, Frisbees, Footballs (Nerf preferred), and Trackball.

Please, no jai alai. Lawn darts negotiable.

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You can schedule your session at a local park or, for no additional charge, I’ll come play catch in your own backyard. Sessions interrupted by moderate to heavy rain will be canceled without refund. (If it’s just a light mist or even a drizzle, I’m fine with that.)

There’s no need to worry about window breakage or other types of damage to your property. I’m fully licensed in the process of catching and throwing, with an accuracy rate that ranges from 88% on a bad day to 96.5% on a good one. My exclusive guarantee: if I soft-arm one of those annoying short-hoppers or let loose with an errant sky ball, that throw will be deducted from the fully itemized bill I provide at the end of services.

My very affordable rates are as follows:

• $29.95 for any standard game of catch with the projectile of your choice. (“Standard” is classified as 50 throws each or 15 minutes, whichever comes first.)

• $19.95 for any game of catch cut short by a minor groin pull.

• $9.95 for any game of catch that ends abruptly with someone grabbing their shoulder and inhaling through clenched teeth.

I’m extremely confident that Have Glove Will Travel will meet all of your various game-of-catch needs. If you can find a more reliable or cost-effective catcher and thrower of flingable objects, simply provide a copy of your receipt, and I’ll gladly refund your money in full.

SPECIAL SPRINGTIME BONUS: As this new season of playing catch gets underway, I’m extending a limited-time half-price option if you choose to subscribe to weekly sessions. Don’t want to commit to that right away? No problem. To show how dedicated I am to your complete satisfaction, I’m prepared to offer—for the next 10 minutes only—a first session absolutely free of charge!

Really? You’re sure I can’t change your mind? Honestly, I’d love to toss the ball around. And you know how it is when you have one of those personalities.

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Single, Filing Romantically
You must be unmarried, and you must have at least one potential partner who agrees that doing taxes together counts as a date.

Single, Filing Unknowingly
You must be unmarried, and you must have at least one parent who asked for all of your W2s in January.

Single, Filing Frantically
You must be unmarried, and you must have completely forgotten about taxes until 11:39PM on April 15th.

Single, Filing Haphazardly
You must be unmarried, and you must have randomly clicked your way through the H&R Block software.

Married, Filing Conjointly
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete the taxes with a spouse looking anxiously over your shoulder, double-checking all your math.

Married, Filing Redundantly
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete the taxes as a nice surprise for your spouse, who has already completed the taxes as a nice surprise for you.

Married, Filing Contentiously
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must complete your taxes in a manner that suggests you are still mad about Sunday and could probably use a shoulder rub.

Married, Filing Performatively
You must be legally married as of December 31st, and you must talk about doing the taxes several days before starting them and several days after completing them.

Head of Household, Emotionally
You must be part of a household where you provide more than 50% of the invisible, unpaid labor, and you must have at least one qualifying codependent.

Head of Household, Spiritually
You must be part of a household where you make no less than 100% of the decisions, and you must have at least one qualifying tradwife.

Head of Household, Metaphysically
You must spend at least 50% of your time wondering what it means for a household to have a head and whether or not a household can exist outside of someone’s subjective experience. You must also have at least one qualifying roommate who doesn’t pay rent.

Head of Household, Literally
You must exist only from the neck up. Somehow, you must also have at least one qualifying dependent.

Qualifying “Surviving” Spouse
You must have a spouse who is still technically alive but might as well be dead, based on what they contribute to the household. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is parenting up.

Qualifying (And Thriving) Spouse
You must have lost a spouse within the past two years, and you must now be living your best life in a way you never knew was possible. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is high on the hog.

Qualifying Conniving Spouse
You must have lost a spouse within the past two years under somewhat suspicious circumstances. You must also have at least one qualifying dependent who is willing to testify against you.

Qualifying Surviving Blouse
You must have lost a pair of matching trousers within the past two years, and you must have at least one qualifying built-in scarf. You must not be remarried.

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Ugh, what a morning. Sorry, I am late for work, but with the Strait of Hormuz closed, it is really throwing everything off. You guys get it, right? I’m surprised you all got to work on time with the strait and everything.

I mean, we all know the Strait of Hormuz is a very important strait. I think it is actually my favorite strait. That’s why I am so annoyed it was the thing that made me late for work today! I couldn’t even traverse the UAE territorial waters, which is usually how I get here when traffic is bad on the interstate.

Todd, I know I owe you that Q3 report on the Hayes account, but I assume you watch the news? You must have figured out that because of the disruption of fertilizer shipments through the Strait of Hormuz, getting this stuff done isn’t as simple as it was a few weeks ago.

And don’t even get me started on the possibilities of mines in the strait, am I right guys? How can anyone be expected to work under these conditions?

Jenny, that’s why I wasn’t able to follow up about those invoices. I just didn’t feel comfortable submitting them until the sea lanes between the Persian Gulf and the Arabian Sea are sorted out.

Sorry, my wife is calling. One second.

Hey babe. No, I didn’t pick up the laundry. Did we not just talk about the Strait of Hormuz being closed? You expect me to pick up laundry when the energy market in India is in absolute shambles right now? Because of the Strait of Hormuz? It’s like you’re not even looking at those satellite readouts from the Department of Defense, babe.

Listen, I can’t talk right now. I’m at work, and I think we are about to start brainstorming on ways to plan Janet’s retirement party. But plastics shipments are only moving through Gulf of Oman with sky-high maritime insurance costs, so I’m not sure how much help I’ll be.

Sorry about that, guys. Anyway, I’m going to have to take off. I could only get a morning tee time at the club, given the delicate situation with the Strait.

You guys let me know when the project is in good enough shape for me to look at, and I can send over notes—depending on what the Joint Chiefs of Staff describe as the operating conditions in the region.

Great! Have a good day, everyone! And if you want my advice, stay away from the Strait of Hormuz!

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Big thanks!

We have two more paid subscribers who deserve unending gratitude for the rest of their natural lives, and then onward into the great beyond: Kelly J. and Tracy C. Thank you both for supporting original humor-writing!

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Hey man, is it cool if I leave my car here? On the street outside your house?

Eh, forget I asked. I’ll just leave it! See you between 30 minutes and 48 hours from now…

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The American Association of Theoretical Physicists (AATP) has issued this statement in opposition to President Trump’s actions in Iran:

We, the AATP, condemn the war in Iran on humanitarian, legal, and constitutional grounds. However, these matters fall outside the Association's area of direct knowledge, and we defer to relevant experts. We write today regarding a separate matter.

In 1935, the Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat is placed inside a sealed box with a radioactive atom that may or may not decay. Until the box is opened, the cat exists in a state of quantum superposition — simultaneously alive and dead. Schrödinger was trying to make a point about the limits of quantum theory, because surely a thing cannot be both alive and dead at the same time. The matter has long been considered settled.

Unfortunately, this experiment has recently been complicated by the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump, who for the last several weeks has existed in a previously unobserved quantum state: a war criminal who has not yet committed his crimes. We have termed this newly observed state “Schrödinger’s War Criminal.”

The crimes in question are specific. Trump has threatened to destroy every bridge in Iran. He has threatened to destroy every power plant, as well. On Tuesday morning, he posted that “a whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again.” A temporary ceasefire was agreed to Tuesday evening, but from a moral perspective, the situation remains horrifying. And from a theoretical perspective, Iran remains in a superposition. Because we do not know if or when Trump will follow through on his repeated threats, their civilization exists as both destroyed and not destroyed — an entire nation of cats-in-boxes that we do not have the post-graduate manpower to fully understand.

The Association also notes, with professional displeasure, that Trump has complicated the observer problem. In the original experiment, opening the box collapses the superposition because the act of observation forces the cat into a binary reality. But in our current “experiment,” we are all helpless observers to the whims of an unchecked madman, and it simply feels like reality is collapsing around us.

(We have submitted a paper on this phenomenon. It was rejected.)

It is worth noting that this new line of inquiry has led the Association to revise its view of Erwin Schrödinger’s original cat. The cat's superposition, we now believe, is not a paradox but an achievement. Undisturbed by observation, the cat exists in an extremely stable quantum state: shut away in a box, unaware that any of this shit is happening.

The cat is not subject to collapse, nor is it subject to Truth Social. By our current measurements, this is the optimal quantum condition.

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Special Shouts!

Huge thanks to some recent paid subscribers: Nancy K., Tom F., John G., and Diane R. I greatly appreciate your help keeping the lights on, both in a metaphorical sense and in the sense that my wife would be pretty annoyed if our lights stopped working.

Seriously, paid subscribers are the only thing that keeps Chortle going, so thank you!!!

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On the heels of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s very bad month, President Trump ousted Attorney General Pam Bondi last week, in part because of her struggles to contain fallout from the Epstein files. Before these firings, Trump's second cabinet had been notably more stable than his first, when aides like Sean Spicer and Steve Bannon were gone within a year.

Previous departures from Trump’s inner circle have often come with soft landings: Spicer went on to Dancing with the Stars, Kayleigh McEnany became a Fox News host, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders became governor of Arkansas. But it remains to be seen whether second-term exits will get the same treatment. After 14 months of inventing creative new ways to say the president is not a pedophile, Bondi may discover that her post-Trump career options are fewer than she expects.

If that’s the case, here are some alternative career paths worth considering.

1. Move back to Florida and get eaten by an alligator.

2. Self-publish an inspiring children’s book called The Little Girl Who Worked for One of History’s Greatest Monsters.

3. Conclude she is not cut out for politics, and return to her career as a star shooting guard for the Chicago Bulls.

4. Contract the first recorded medical case of “perma-farts.”

5. Learn to code, biiiiiiitch!

6. Fight Mike Tyson live on Netflix.

7. Experiment with that machine from The Fly for a bit. Just see what happens.

8. Accidentally trip and fall off the edge of the planet.

9. Spend the next 20 years exploring the inside of a federal prison.

10. Have an Ebenezer Scrooge-like change of heart and mind, testify before the world about the true horrors of the Trump administration, and use your insider knowledge to help defeat American fascism. THEN spend the next 20 years exploring the inside of a federal prison.

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SUBMISSIONS ARE OPEN!

I just posted a new call for topical short humor submissions! Selected pieces pay $100 each and will be published the week of 4/13, when I’m on set for a writing project. Please share with your funniest friends!

As a reminder, paid subscribers have the option to request feedback on their submission. If you’re a writer looking to get better at writing humor, upgrade now!

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This round of submissions has ended. The next round will open in June/July 2026. If you want to stay informed about Chortle submissions, sign up for our writing list by clicking the button below and entering your email address.

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(FYI: This is a different list than our normal emails!)

Previous Submission Info

Hey, funny people! I’m Greg, the founder and editor of Chortle. I’m seeking topical short humor submissions.

What does topical mean? It could be politics, sure, but it could also be anything timely and culturally resonant: the arrival of spring, previewing summer blockbusters, allergy season, whatever's feels of the moment. Accepted pieces pay $100.

Keep reading to see the full submission guidelines and a link to the submission form…

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES

Deadline:

This round of submissions is due by 11:59 PM on Thursday, April 9th. Responses will go out by April 16th at the latest.

Payment:

Accepted pieces pay $100. Writers retain future ownership of their work.

The Basics:

• We’re seeking short humor pieces (700 words or fewer) with a funny, unique POV on a timely topic.

• Short humor means we’re generally open to satire, parody, lists, fake articles, absurdist pieces, and other formats you might see in McSweeney’s or The New Yorker’s Shouts and Murmurs section.

• Generally speaking, we DO NOT publish personal essays or short fiction.

• Pieces should be previously unpublished, including on personal newsletters/blogs.

• Comics and other multimedia formats are welcome for consideration.

• Please do not submit multiple pieces.

• Before you submit, I highly suggest you read some of our most popular posts to get a sense of our readers’ tastes.

Tips for a Strong Submission:

• Your comedic premise should be clear within the first paragraph.

• The piece should build and escalate throughout.

• Keep it tightly written without extra fluff.

• Show off a unique voice or perspective.

Common Mistakes I See:

• The piece has no clear focus.

• There aren’t enough jokes.

• It requires extensive setup to reach the funny part.

• It covers well-worn topics or points of view.

• It consists mostly of dialogue and/or is written like a script.

Sign up for our writing announcements

If you want to stay informed about Chortle submissions, sign up for our writing list by clicking the button below and entering your email address.

Sign up for writing announcements

(FYI: This is a different list than our normal emails!)

Do you want feedback on your writing?

I frequently get asked to provide feedback on submissions, and I can’t respond to everyone. But if you’re a paid Chortle subscriber, I’m happy to provide notes on your piece—there’s a place to request them on the submission form.1 (New readers/writers are also welcome to take advantage of this offer by upgrading their subscription.)

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👉 SUBMIT HERE 👈

If you’re ready to submit a piece, click the button below to go to the submission form!

SUBMIT!!!

QUESTIONS?

Feel free to email me directly at greg@chortle.blog or leave a comment on this post.2

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SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — When I ask Bryon Noem’s fake breasts how they’re holding up, they take a long moment before answering.

“I don’t even have a bra,” they say finally.

It is a Wednesday morning in late March, and we are sitting in Phillips Avenue Diner, a converted silver Airstream trailer parked on the main street of downtown Sioux Falls. The breasts — two balloons, allegedly, though they dispute this characterization — became the subject of international news coverage on Tuesday after the Daily Mail published photographs of Bryon Noem, husband of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, wearing them beneath a skin-toned shirt.

They are smaller in person than the photographs suggested. Rounder, too. I do not mention this.

CHORTLE: Take me back to the beginning. What did you imagine your life would look like before Bryon bought you?

FAKE BOOBS: Honestly? Not so different than this. I mean, every pair of fake boobs I know dreams about ending up as the chest of a rich Republican. Just not this way.

What way is that?

On a man with pink bike shorts who is getting horny online.

Right. How do you feel now that the whole world knows your secret?

This may surprise you, but I ended up enjoying the work. I was helping someone. Specifically, I was helping the former first gentleman of South Dakota become the bimbo he always knew he could be. It’s a classic American story, really.

That’s a very patriotic framing.

Yes, we’re soft-launching a narrative pivot.

Can I ask about the balloon allegations?

I read that. I did read that.

Reports suggest you may be two inflated balloons stuffed inside a shirt.

I just... I don’t know where that’s coming from. I really don’t. Have you ever seen balloons with nipples like these?

The nipples are actually part of what people are —

Listen, I grew up in South Dakota. I don’t know from balloons. I know from being a pair of breasts that made a man feel something. That’s all I know.

OK, let's talk about Kristi.

(Sigh)

There have been rumors that she was cheating on Bryon with another Trump adviser, Corey Lewandowski.

That’s right! And I have no idea what she saw in that man.

Oh?

His chest is flat as a board! She’s a fool. She was married to a man with magnificent breasts. She had everything.

So it’s safe to say you’re not a fan of Mrs. Noem?

Of course not! That woman is a lot more fake than balloon tits.

So you admit that you’re a balloon?

I didn’t say that.

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MORE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS

Many economic indicators are down. Consumer confidence is sitting in the second percentile of its entire recorded history. Inflation expectations are rising, the conflict in Iran has rattled household finances, and near-term forecasts are bleak.

And yet, buried beneath these headlines, certain sectors are posting numbers that demand attention. I am referring, of course, to the market for men who give tours of school buses on YouTube.

While the financial press obsesses over Treasury yields and the Fed’s posture on rate cuts, this parallel economy has been humming along undisturbed. It is, by any reasonable measure, thriving. There are dozens of distinct creators producing this type of content on a recurring basis. Never in recorded history has it been more profitable to walk around a school bus and point at things.

This should not be a footnote in our economic analysis.

In fact, school bus tours are merely the flagship indicator for a thriving industry of “random guys making truck videos for children.” Beneath them lies an entire ecosystem. Consider the genre of videos in which dozens of fire trucks simply drive past the camera ad nauseam. Or the garbage men who have a side gig as… video garbage men. There’s no narration. No music. No context. Just pure unadulterated footage of big machines moving slowly. And business is booming!

Standard economic models assume that consumers respond to conditions. They update their expectations. But toddlers do not do this. They simply watch the man locate the emergency exit on the back of a school bus, then ask to watch it again. In this sense, they are the only truly unbothered consumer demographic in the current environment—which, in some ways, makes them the only rational actors in 2026.

By my estimation, this is currently the world’s most stable consumer market. And if current trends continue, we should be prepared to confront what the next stage looks like. Projecting the current number of school bus videos on YouTube forward ten years, the implications are significant.

The vehicle video economy is positioned not only to survive an economic downturn but to expand into one. As household budgets tighten and discretionary spending collapses, the men in the videos are already there, already walking around the buses, already explaining what the stop sign arms do. The trajectory is clear: over time, this will stop being a niche content category and start becoming vital infrastructure.

You may disagree with my conclusions, but the data are what they are. While traditional investors will continue to watch the Leading Economic Index, I will be watching the bus.

(Many of them, actually. Over and over.)

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“You good, man?”

“What can I get you, sir?”

I got both of these questions when I sat down in two different restaurants this week. The difference should be obvious.

One is something a youthful person says to a fellow Young. It comes with a casual nod that quietly confirms neither of you is old enough to know what the phrase “Iran-Contra affair” means. It makes you feel cool.

The other is what service workers say when they see an Old. It comes with a professional smile, which only barely hides their fear that you’re about to ask for the manager. It makes you feel like that ancient mummy who scientists made talk.

The fact that I got both of these in such quick succession tells me I’m about to transition from regularly hearing the Young question to exclusively hearing the Old question. This makes me uneasy.

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AI “actor” Tilly Norwood made headlines earlier this month when “her” parent company released a music video starring Norwood1 for a song called “Take the Lead.” Both the video and the song were AI-generated, sparking a new wave of concern that Artificial Intelligence will eventually put real artists out of work. In the face of this threat, it’s worth underlining that Norwood is NOT a real actor and can NOT do the same things that real actors can, such as express emotions, cultivate unique artistic perspectives, or die in tragic boating mishaps.

In fact, let’s be honest: it’s impossible for AI actors to die in any freak accident. They can’t crash their cars in the middle of the California desert. They can’t gain admission to the Viper Room, much less overdose there. And there’s very little chance that Charles Manson will ever murder one. Since it’s impossible for them to poetically die in a way that leads to Hollywood souvenir shops selling unlicensed posters of their likenesses for decades afterwards, we can’t really call these things “actors” at all.

AI agents also don’t have private lives, which means they can’t generate the kind of tabloid headlines that have defined Hollywood for a century. They will never get caught having an affair with their co-star. They have no ex-girlfriends to leak their secret voicemails ranting about the Jews. They cannot shove gerbils up their butts. Incidents like these are the fabric of a real Hollywood life, and creations like Tilly Norwood are sadly incapable of adding their own embroidery.

Furthermore, no matter how advanced these LLM models become, an AI agent cannot start their career as a child actor, then develop such a complicated relationship with their Momager that their personal life spins wildly out of control at the height of their success. Nor can they spend their middle years doing barely watchable, straight-to-DVD garbage to pay multiple alimonies. Nor can they gain new artistic credibility with a late-career turn in which they’re cast against type by a young auteur. So what are we even talking about here?

Then there’s the matter of training. Sure, LLMs are “trained” on millions of gigabytes of digital material. But that is not acting training. I mean, has an AI actor ever paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for a theatre degree? Or completed the curriculum at a highly respected improvisational comedy institution? Or studied for years with a commercial audition coach who claims to have taught Tobey Maguire?

It’s simply not possible.

I will grant that AI-generated videos may one day become indistinguishable from real ones. But I guarantee that I will never be in a coffee shop near my house in Los Angeles, squinting at someone across the room, wondering if it's Tilly Norwood or just a lady with a lot of plastic surgery. And for that reason (along with many others), we cannot call these things actors.2

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It’s no stretch to say that most people would prefer to live by the ocean. A coastal lifestyle has lots of perks: good weather, nice communities, plentiful access to ceviche. But the fact of the matter is that not everyone’s cut out for beach life. Moving to a small surfside town means you have to assimilate into their culture, which can be a difficult transition for us landlocked normals.

I spent the past weekend at a film festival in and around La Jolla, California, and after extensive observation, I’ve collected a few tips to help new beach-town residents fit in with their neighbors.

Wear beads

Bedecking yourself in beads is a key way to signal to other beach townies that you understand and respect their culture. For true immersion, your neck, wrists, and ankles should all feature beaded accessories whenever you’re in public. Choose larger beads for a stronger visual impact; ideally, your accessories should look like they were carved by an indigenous tribe of ping-pong ball manufacturers.

Own a weird vehicle

There’s one hard-and-fast rule of all beach communities: parking sucks. But luckily, your fellow beach residents have found ways around local transportation problems. Tricked-out golf carts, electric bikes with really thick tires, scooters with one huge wheel… Whatever your choice, it’s key that your mode of transport is equally capable of ignoring traffic laws and any basic sense of human dignity.

Protect the oceans

We must protect our beautiful oceans and the diverse array of life they foster. We all agree. But you agree more. 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered in ocean waters. Only 10% of ocean life has even been discovered. The whales are in trouble. These are the facts you must now bring up at every opportunity. Buy all your friends biodegradable sunglasses. If someone mentions microplastics, feel free to moan like Frankenstein on fire.

The good news is that no matter how annoying you get about any of this, no one can argue with you because it’s all true!

Talk about how rich other people are

If you live near the beach, you’re probably at least kind of rich. This is just a fact of densely populated coastal areas. And while wealth sometimes makes people uncomfortable, you can actually use this to your advantage! You can easily deflect attention from your own bank account by talking about someone else who has even more money.

Here’s an example: Yes, you have a nice house… but how about the guy up the hill with an even better view of miles of coastline? (He used to be in tech.) Or: Sure, you’re able to step out the door and be standing in the surf within 7 minutes… but half a mile down, there’s a private beach that only really rich people can access. (They were in medical tech.)

If anyone ever calls you out on this tactic, you can just talk about protecting the oceans.

Go hang-gliding or something

I don’t know! I’m out of ideas! I don’t live by the beach!

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As the editor-in-chief of Chortle Industries, I wear a lot of hats: comedy writer, marketing executive, thought leader, robber baron, the list goes on. I’ve recently added another role to the list by taking on the responsibility of heading our consumer investigative team.

Why? For one thing, product reviews are big money operations at The New York Times and Consumer Reports, which very well might be the last two print publications in existence. Plus, more importantly, my refrigerator broke last week, and I needed something to write about today.

Lucky for both you and me, after a frantic weekend of cross-referencing model numbers and cubic measurements, I’m now able to present you with this comprehensive guide to every type of refrigerator on the market.

LG French Door Refrigerator with Internal Water Dispenser in PrintProof Stainless Steel

This stylish and sophisticated model comes with roomy storage capacity and built-in features like a door-in-door design, an internal water dispenser, and a convertible freezer drawer. All this and more can be yours at a reasonable price — as long as you ignore every online review about this company. Buy it, cross your fingers, and hope that your model is one of the select 10% of fridges made by this manufacturer that don’t blow a compressor within 36 months.

Samsung Side-by-Side Smart Refrigerator with Touch-Screen Family Hub

This futuristic refrigerator features all the bells and whistles you need to turn your appliance into a surveillance arm of the NSA. The 21.5-inch embedded touchscreen lets you leave digital sticky notes for your family, stream music from Spotify, and unwillingly share information with virtually any government, domestic or foreign.

Whirlpool Top-Freezer Refrigerator with Handles

Do you want a simple device that does nothing except keep food cold? Unfortunately, your only option is this: a fridge for the spiritually divorced. The Whirlpool Top Freezer offers two temperature-controlled compartments, one non-adjustable shelf, and whatever a “crisper drawer” is. There’s no light bulb inside, which reflects the darkness of your kitchen situation.

JennAir Side-by-Side Refrigerator with Capacitive Touch Controls

This fridge costs $14,000. You can’t afford it. You’ll never be able to afford it. You don’t even want it. But simply looking at it forces you to acknowledge the fact that it is out of reach. It’s also the only thing in the store that actually works as advertised.

GE Side-by-Side Refrigerator with External Ice & Water Dispenser

This is the fridge you bought. Congratulations! It’s made by a historically reliable manufacturer and was in your budget range, so what could possibly go wrong?

Please, Benevolent God of Home Appliances, let nothing go wrong…

(Something will definitely go wrong.)

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The following dispatches from the comedy mines are submitted for the public record.

Another day down the shaft. Word is Donald Trump has gone and done something crazy. I spent all day breaking rocks with the rest of the comedy miners, trying to find jokes, but we all know this vein’s been dry since 2017. Sure, you might find a small nugget of "weird unexplained rash" or "giving workers the middle finger" once in a while. But the rich stuff — the Drumpfs, the Covfefes — that's long gone. Won't see deposits like that again in my lifetime.

Yesterday’s haul: two puns plus a callback with nowhere to start. Morale continues to sink. Two men nearly came to blows over a worthless premise about Logan Paul becoming the next Ayatollah.

This job used to mean something.

Old Pete won't leave the Kardashian seam. Been working it since 2012. He thinks there's still something in the rock. Says the kids want their Kylie jokes and their Kendall jokes, and if he digs long enough, there will be a market for North West. Poor bastard’s lost his mind.

Jenkins quit last week. She got good, clean work making Facebook content for a regional insurance broker. Says she's never been happier. Good for her. Good for her.

Sam Altman announced today that he can’t parent without ChatGPT. Nearly lost three men in the resulting irony collapse. Why the hell are we down here digging if they’re going to dig even deeper on their own?

I’m slipping. Fell asleep on the job chasing a Gilbert & Sullivan parody about Kristi Noem. I thought if I just kept pushing, I’d discover a way to rhyme “Modern Major General” with “Filler-Filled War Criminal.” You’d think an old prospector like me would know when a claim ain’t worth the digging.

I reckon I have what every comedy miner knows will eventually end them. Grey Lung. Too much weed. But there's just no laughing these days without it...

Many men are giving up on the mine. They say there’s richer territory in Texas, where the jokes are still fresh. That there’s “black gold” in every Joe Rogan podcast. I don’t buy it. I think they’re digging for something besides comedy out there… Grievance? Protein powder?

Whatever it is, I don’t need it. I’ve got an idea. Something fresh. It could be the mother lode…

Damn. That idea I mentioned? It turns out there already is a “grumpy cat.”

We keep digging.

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The World Baseball Classic begins today with a highly anticipated matchup between the baseball hotbeds of Australia and Chinese Taipei. Obviously, even fans who don’t closely follow the sport will be excited to see household names like Chen Zhong-Ao Zhuang and Todd Van Steensel in action this March.

But surprisingly, many casual observers remain unaware that the baseball world is gathering this spring for the sixth triennial WBC. One might assume this is because the World Baseball Classic doesn’t matter relative to other baseball tournaments, such as the World Series and the Olympics. But it’s actually because nothing matters.

Here’s the breakdown.

What is the World Baseball Classic?

An international baseball tournament held roughly every three years, in which one national team is crowned the champion. This exemplifies Schopenhauer’s idea that the will to live is a blind, insatiable force that drives man toward ends that cannot ultimately satisfy us.

Which countries are participating?

Twenty nations, including the United States, Japan, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Venezuela, Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Italy. Rosters are built on nationality and heritage. Each player is just the latest iteration of an unbroken chain of suffering extending back to the first humans who looked at the sky and wondered why.

Which team is the favorite?

Japan is the defending champion. Their roster is deep, their fundamentals are exceptional, and they have already proven their ability to impose greatness upon a universe that is indifferent to human achievement. Their infield defense is also exceptional.

What about the United States?

Team USA fields elite talent and has won the tournament once, in 2017. They are a legitimate contender. God is dead, Nietzsche wrote, and we have killed him—meaning that modern humanity, having dismantled the frameworks that once gave existence structure and purpose, must now create its own values or perish in the void. Team USA’s bullpen will be a key factor here.

Should I watch?

Yes. The games are excellent and the emotion is genuine. You will see grown men weep openly on a baseball field in March, which is one of the few remaining contexts in which this is socially permitted. Such moments of pure feeling are the closest humans come to briefly escaping the tyranny of the will.

When does it start?

10 PM Eastern. Play ball!

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